Bring Me Back To Life
by 22Shay22
Summary: Jay has always been there for Erin. What happens when the roles are reversed and a tragedy leads him down a dark road? Will Erin be able to help bring him back, or will he get lost in the darkness?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone!**

 **So this is set a few years down the road. There has been a lot of stuff done with Erin and her spiral with Nadia or other AU ones and Jay being there, bringing her back from it and I love that dynamic so much. I love Jay being that person, because we all know that's exactly who he is. This all still applies here, he's been that person for Erin so many times. But what happens down the road when a tragedy happens and all of a sudden Jay falls apart? Will Erin be able to save him the way he has saved her so many times before? Will she be able to follow him into the darkness in order for him to see the light?**

 **I want to try to explore Jay some more, past inner demons- new events that will haunt him after a horrific event, and see if he will be able to make it out or if it will be too much for him.**

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Erin sat in the darkness, her fingers gripping tightly around the steering wheel. The car had been shut off for fifteen minutes and she was no closer to taking a step out of it than she had been when she first pulled into the parking space. Her white knuckles held onto the hope that this would finally bring her what she was longing for, what she needed more than she needed air. The busy traffic and noisy streets of the Saturday nightlife in Chicago were blocked out and she took deep, calming breaths. _I can do this. I have to do this. I have to._

She let her eyes drift closed, chanting her inner monologue as she rehearsed what she was about to go do in her head. As Erin's eyes lifted back open she was met with the brightness of the lights illuminating off the building. Blue, yellow, and red colors strobed around and she couldn't help the frown that appeared on her face. Out of all the places to end up, why did it have to be one like this?

The sudden blood flow to her fingers went unnoticed as Erin took one final deep breath and released her death grip on the steering wheel, quickly shoving open the car door. She avoided the long roped line and went straight ahead to meet the very tall, overly ripped, intimidating man near the entrance. Giving her a single look, he chuckled at her casual appearance before she gave him a hard stare, lifting up her shirt slightly to reveal the badge hooked onto her belt loop. His eyes widened slightly before he nodded and extended his arm, opening the door with an apologetic smile.

"Thanks." Erin muttered.

The first thing that became apparent was the music, blasting through her eardrums making it impossible to focus on anything. The second was the lighting. The place was dark and crowded with groups of drunk partiers side-by-side. The only light came from the strobes making Erin have to shove through crowds and search out her way to the bar. Finally reaching her destination, Erin waited for the bartender to walk by, watching as he helped the endless patrons of the club. She watched as he made his way up and down the bar, ignoring her every time before she lost any patience she had left. Shoving her hand out, she gripped onto his shirt, forcing him to stop.

"Hey, what they hell is your problem, lady?"

Erin narrowed her eyes, leaning further into the bar. "I'm looking for someone and you're gonna help me out."

He chuckled, pulling back. "And why the hell would I do that?"

She slammed something roughly against the bar with her other hand, making his eyes focus in on the badge she just placed there. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it before any words came out.

"Alright, awesome. Now that we're on the same page." Erin smirked back to him.

After she got the necessary information, Erin found her way to the far side of the club, and another bouncer. Quickly making her way inside, she scanned the room. This one was far less crowded, but a lot more questionable. Small clusters of people surrounded private tables, anything from private lap dances to a group doing a line could be seen. Her eyes never stayed put in one spot more than a second as she searched for the purpose of her visit. And then off in the far corner she spotted him. Alone at a private table he sat facing the rest of the room. As she got closer she examined his surroundings and took note of the few empty bottles in the center of the table- not enough for him to be drunk yet, so she still had a chance at a decent conversation. And then she noticed it, the line of white residue that still was evident on the surface of the table. For a moment she stilled, unable to move forward. There was no way that was right.

Taking a deep breath, Erin willed her feet forward as her eyes locked with his and she tried to mask the pain she was feeling as she stared into his cold eyes.

"What'd you do, hide in my backseat, Lindsay?"

Erin scoffed, reminded of her purpose for being there. "You wish. I tailed your car, dumbass. It wasn't that hard."

Jay frowned, bringing the half empty bottle to his lips and taking a long pull before returning his gaze to her. "What part of stay the hell out of my life didn't you get?"

She stared at him for a moment, watching as his eyes lazily wandered around the dark room, never staying fixed on one location longer than a few seconds. His pupils wide and unfocused. The bright, ocean blue eyes she was used to were long gone. Replaced with a dull, lifeless gray.

"That's the funny thing, Jay. I mean, I guess we aren't together, right? Hell, we aren't even partners anymore. I don't have to listen to a damn thing you say. And I sure as hell won't be taking orders from you."

Jay glared, taking another long swig from the warm bottle clenched tightly between his hand. He let the room temperature liquid slowly trail down his throat trying to focus his gaze toward her. "Go home, Erin."

"Fine. Get up and let's go."

He let out a hollow laugh, swaying lightly in his seat. "Not gonna happen, Lindsay."

Erin rolled her eyes, "Now."

Jay smiled, a full on smile, but his eyes stayed dark and unclear as he stared at her. "Hey, I have an idea! You go home, where you've been. And I'll stay here. Sound like a plan?"

Erin let her eyes stay locked on his, as he mocked her. She focused on his bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes and dilated pupils. Willing the tears stinging her own eyes not to fall, she took a small step forward. "Jay, let me take you home."

Defiantly, Jay crossed his arms. "No."

Erin took a step closer, putting her hand on her hips. "Stand up, I'm taking you home. You're done with this. It's over. Let's go."

"I heard you the first time, and I said no. Fuck off, Erin." he said, glaring over at her.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. This wasn't Jay talking, this was alcohol, coke, and god only knows what else talking. But not Jay. It still hurt, she had never seen him like this before. She knew it would be hard to come in here and convince him of anything- she went over the lines a thousand times in her head. But nothing could have prepared her for looking at Jay in his current state. It was unlike anything she had ever seen. His skin was as pale as a sheet of paper. The bags under his eyes were almost black. He looked so unlike himself. The most caring and protective person she had ever met, hollowed out- completely lost.

She took another step closer to him, resting her hands on the table. "Jay, look at me."

He rolled his eyes before focusing his gaze on the floor, staring intently at a broken glass someone had yet to pick up at a nearby table.

"Jay. Look at me." Erin repeated firmly.

Shutting his eyes, Jay took in a deep breath, his whole body shook as he tried to clear his mind of all the memories. His eyes squinted shut as the sound of far-off sirens rang through his ears. _Why weren't they getting there fast enough?_ Another sharp intake of breaths as he heard the all too familiar sound of blood-curdling screams fill his head.

"Jay!"

Snapping his eyes open, Jay lifted his gaze to meet the waiting eyes of Erin. He blew out the breath slowly, shaking his head- silently begging her not to go on. He already had this conversation with her, too many times. It was too late to convince him it wasn't his fault when he knew deep down that it was.

Erin reached out her hand, noticing the first real emotion on his face since she arrived. The look of hurt and blame evident, but she thought twice and her hand fell loosely to her side as a tear falls down her cheek.

"Jay. That wasn't on you, okay? What happened that night wasn't on you and drinking yourself to death isn't going to help anyone. It won't change what happened. _Please."_

He stayed silent for a moment, peeling away the label of his beer bottle. Biting at his bottom lip he sighed, shaking his head once again.

"I can't. Just go."

"I'm not leaving here without you; I _won't_ leave here without you. So either we both go, or we both stay. Your call." Erin said taking a step to sit at the stool opposite of him at the table.

"Er-"

The simple word was out before he had a chance to register it in his inebriated state. It left Erin with a stunned expression, taken aback with wide eyes before gaining her composure. She never thought one simple word could make her heart ache and her feel so much pain for another person while simultaneously wanting to jump across the table and strangle him. Two simple letters he had been saying for five years, and yet the six weeks she had gone without hearing them sounded like a lifetime.

Jay frowned, chugging the remainder of his beer and motioning the bartender for another before correcting himself. "Erin." he said harshly, his eyes cold "Go. Home."

Rolling her eyes, Erin stood once again. "Why aren't you getting that I'm not leaving without you? This isn't you. What you're doing right now isn't you. Please, Jay. Please, just-"

"Just what, Erin?! Huh? What do you want from me?" Jay yelled, standing to meet her in front of the table.

"I want you to listen, really listen to what I'm saying! What we've all been saying this whole time. Nothing that happened is on you. Nothing!" Erin yelled back, fully aware she was gaining the unwanted attention of the other people at the bar.

Jay laughed coldly before grabbing one of the empty beer bottles from the table. He threw it across the room, making it hit the far wall and shatter into tiny shards. Erin jumped, her eyes widening.

"That bullshit, Erin. That's bullshit, and we both fucking know it. This is all on me, every damn thing that happened that night is on me. It's my fault. Every fucking part of it! Don't try to defend me or say it wasn't on me. Cause that's a load of shit. I fucked up. It's my fucking fault!" he screamed, his voice faltering at the end.

"Hey!" a stern voice interrupted. Both of their heads turned, seeing the large bodyguard standing a few tables behind them. "You guys are gonna have to finish this up outside." He nodded pointedly to an exit, crossing his arms.

Jay crossed his arms in return. "Erin, get out. We're done here."

"Jay-"

"That's great and all, but I didn't ask if you were done, I said to take it outside." The man repeated, standing firm.

Jay glared over at him, eyeing the guy up and down. There was no denying this dude was huge. He easily had five inches on Jay, fifty pounds of muscles. He looked like one of those people who spent every waking moment at the gym and Jay internally kicked himself before chuckling. He looked back to Erin who was staring at him with hopeful eyes before he sighed.

"Fine." Jay said through gritted teeth. And with that he walked straight past Erin, and out the back entrance of the club.

It took her a few seconds to register that he just left before Erin turned on her heels and quickly followed him out, sprinting after him.

"Jay, hey! Hey, wait up!"

Jay swung around quickly, but he was unbalanced and had to put his hands out to steady himself. He took a deep breath in before responding. "I meant what I said, Erin. We're done, stop wasting your time. Go home."

Erin stopped for a minute, watching as Jay swayed from side to side as though the wind was strong enough to pull his muscular frame in the direction it was going. She narrowed her eyes, biting her inner cheek as she thought. And then it hit her.

"Fine. We're done. You're right." She said bluntly, and she didn't miss the way his eyes widened in surprise.

"Okay, great. We're done then." Jay nodded back, turning to walk away.

"Great!" Erin emphasized. "Let me give you a ride. I have a car and it's pretty cold."

Jay opened his mouth to protest but Erin held up her hand. "It's a free ride, Jay. Wherever you want to go. I don't care. Just get in the car."

He stopped for a minute, his foggy mind trying to fully process her words. But a free ride was a free ride, and he had been staying at an old friends from the academy way across town. He knew it was late, and it the October air was cool against his skin. Waiting for a cab would take forever, and calling for a ride would lead to an argument. So he nodded.

"Fine. Drop me off at Chuck's." he said, following Erin toward her car.

The car ride was completely silent, Jay pressed his face against the cool glass of the window before the booze and drugs caught up to him and he dozed off. Erin drove, her eyes wandering every couple of seconds over to the right as tears streamed, flowing endlessly down her cheeks. She didn't care. There was no way she was going to hold in the emotions of the night in any longer. As she hit a red light Erin looked over at Jay again, watching as his chest fell quickly. She frowned, taking out her phone and dialing before pressing it against her ear. Looking over to the passenger side one more time, Erin quickly made a U-turn as the phone connected. "Hey. It's me. Meet me at my apartment, now."

Taking a left into the parking lot, she parked in the designated space before shutting off the car. Sighing, she ran a hand roughly across her face, balling up the hair at her scalp as she let out a deep breath. Stealing another glance toward Jay, she wiped the tears from her eyes before slamming her fist against the steering wheel. A hard sob escaped her lips as she finally let the full effect of the past few weeks hit her. Slamming her fist against the wheel again and again she let the tears flow until a knock against the car window made her jump.

Erin blew out a deep breath before quickly wiping her eyes and pushing the door open.

"You alright?" Will asked, the concern evident in the crease of his brow.

Erin waved off his worry. "Fine. Just help me get him inside."

Will nodded, well aware that Erin wasn't one to share emotions. They had done more than enough of that over the past few weeks. Somehow she had managed to get Jay here tonight, and he wasn't about to argue with that, he was just grateful for whatever she did to bring him this far. "Yeah, yeah. Of course. I got him."

Swinging around to the other side of the car, Will pulled the door open almost knocking a passed out Jay out of the car in the process. He sighed before reaching in and grabbing ahold of his brother. Jay stirred lightly, mumbling something incoherent as Will got him to his feet, it didn't take a genius to figure out he was wasted.

"Yeah, okay. I got you buddy. I got you." Will muttered, not sure if he was speaking to Jay or reassuring himself.

Jay opened his eyes slightly, blinking a few times as his feet dragged forward.

"Jay, hey! Focus on me for a second, okay?" Will said, snapping his fingers in front of Jay's face. "I'm gonna need you to walk a little for me, can you do that?" Will tried, swinging Jay's arm around his should to support his weight. Mumbling once again, Jay nodded once before his eyes drooped closed.

Erin quickly ran around the car, mimicking Will's actions to support some of Jay's weight so the two could carry him inside the apartment building. The walk to the elevator was long and she thanked god that it was well after two in the morning and no one else was in the lobby as they dragged Jay inside.

Once they hit the fourth floor, Erin skimmed through her keyring to find the apartment key as they dragged Jay down the dimly lit hallway. Unlocking the deadbolt and knob, Erin swung the door open as Will shuffled Jay into the dark room. The two quickly made their way past the living room and into the bedroom before Will dropped Jay onto the bed. From there he watched as Erin took over. She slid each one of his boots onto the ground before stripping his jacket off. Jay mumbled occasionally and Erin decided against fighting with the remainder of his clothing as she threw a blanket overtop of him.

Erin pulled the blanket up over his chest, resting her hand over his heart as she sat at the edge of the bed. As she watched his breathing even out she ran her hand lightly across his cheek. The scruff of his over-grown beard a hard contrast against the smoothness of her skin. Her fingers lingered against his and another tear rolled down her cheek as she stared at his sleeping form. No matter how much shit had gone down in the last few weeks, he was home.

Erin stood from the bed then, but bent down, resting her hand against Jay's hairline. A ghost of a smile appeared against her lips as she stared down at the small diamond glistening against her finger. "I love you. Always." she whispered before leaning in and placing her lips against his cheek. Giving a small nod to Will she turned and left the room, shutting the light off as she made her way into the living room.

"So what now?" Will said, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair.

Erin shrugged, taking a seat on the couch. "I guess we wait."

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 **A/N: It's extremely late and I wrote this all in one sitting (which I can never do). I've had crazy writers block, but this idea just came to me in the middle of working out and I decided to give it a go. Leave me a review and let me know if you like it so far and if I should keep going, you can PM me any suggestions too. Like I said, I literally sat down and starting typing sooo I have no clue as of now where exactly it's heading! Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for all the reviews for the first chapter! I hope you enjoy this one just as much :) I can't stop writing this story, it's going crazy places! Just so you're aware for the rest of the story, any flashbacks/ dreams will be in italics.**

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 _His eyes widened, a loud scream billowing up from his chest, shaking him to his core as the body fell limply to the ground._

 _His hand already wrapped around the metal, he tightened the grip. Firmly grasping onto the cold handle as he tugged it roughly upwards._

 _Sent one shot straight forward._

 _He stood, momentarily frozen as the bullet hit hard- straight into skull. Watched as the figure fell lifelessly to the floor in a mound and he swallowed the large lump forming at the base of his throat._

 _Took a quick step forward. A large, hurried movement toward him. Screamed out his name in panic. Heart racing rapidly in his chest as his breathing quickened and he could already see the pool of thick, scarlet liquid seeping onto the dark wood floor._

 _He took another step forward. His foot hitting the ground just as the sound of two loud shots ricocheted off the walls, echoing into the darkness._

 _Feet instantly stilling as a loud sob broke through his lips. His eyes closed for only a moment as he turned his head behind him._

Jay jumped, limbs flailing as the blanket fell from his body onto the deep chestnut stained floor. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, pounding against his head- echoing through his skull. Eyes locked shut, unable to fully come back to the surface, to bring himself back to reality. His breaths came out rigid and uneven as he tried unsuccessfully to shake the overwhelming sensation rumbling from his core. The short intake of air made it impossible for his lungs to fill, panic overtaking his senses. Sweat pooled at his hairline, dripping down to mix in across his furrowed brows.

As his eyes stayed clenched tightly closed, Jay swallowed roughly. Taking one deep jagged breath, his hand swung up, swiping roughly across his knitted brows. As he took another deep breath in, his heartrate began to even. Jay blinked rapidly, eyes adjusting to the dim streetlight oozing into the dark room through the sheer curtains. The small amount of light enough to make his eyes widen.

His hands dropped quickly to the bed, fingers skimming across the familiar satin sheets. Eyes only widened more as his fists wrapped around the material. "What the fuck!?"

Rolling to his side, Jay let in another sharp breath. Fully aware of the constant throbbing against his skull. He sent a hand up to rub hurriedly across his temple as his eyes searched out the alarm clock on the bedside table.

 _8:32pm_

 _Shit_. That couldn't be right, he slept all day? It was definitely a late night, but there was no way that he had slept through an entire day. The pounding in his head caused a mess of jumbled words to fall from his lips and he stopped the argument playing out in his head as he swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Adjusted himself into a sitting position and narrowed his eyes toward his destination.

"Shit." He mumbled out again. His feet stumbling as they adjusted to the weight of his body and he tried to balance himself against the cool wood beneath him.

As he reached the door, his hand instinctively slammed around the corner, sliding up the wall until his fingers brushed up against the cool metal. He flicked the switch up and immediately regretted it as his eyes crashed shut and he winced at the brightness of the vanity light.

His mind raced as he rummaged through the small cabinets against the back wall. The pounding in his head digging into his jumbled thoughts, making his jaw ache and the floor move beneath his feet. Jay flung out his hand, grasping firmly onto the sink. Taking a few deep breaths, he clenched his eyes closed. The pulsing room soon turned to blackness as he tried to piece together the events of the previous night in his mind.

 _How the hell did he end up here?_

He swallowed roughly, another sharp breath shaking his body. Bringing up a hand, he ran it through his short, brown, wavy locks atop his head- no longer held in place by gel. It was then that he let his eyes slowly creep open and he stole a small glance at himself in the vanity mirror. His eyes widened in shock as he looked at the reflection staring back at him. Deep purple bags surrounded his eyes and his already pale skin was stark-white in the bright light of the bathroom. His cheeks were hollowed-in and he stilled for a moment, silently pondering when the last actual meal he had was. The normal, short scruff he kept on his face was in need of a desperate trim, reddish-brown hairs wildly growing off his chin. And his hair was a mess, random waves flew out in opposite directions on his bed-head making him shake his head and frown, quickly adverting his eyes from the mirror.

Opening the small overhead cabinet to the right, a small smile fell against his lips as Jay grabbed onto the bottle of migraine medication. Quickly pouring three into his hand before staring down at them, pouring three more and then popping them into his mouth. He left the bottle on the counter as he shuffled out of the bathroom.

Taking large strides across the master bedroom, Jay swiped his boots and jacket off the ground as he took hold of the door handle. A small click echoed into the room as he pushed the door wide enough to poke his head around the corner, searching the open floor plan of the apartment.

His eyes hardened as he made out Erin and Will standing by the built-in island in the kitchen. Speaking quietly between one another, worry etched across both of their faces.

"Will. He's fine, we're all fine. Go to work. I've got this." Erin assured, pointing toward the door.

"God only knows what he took. What he's been taking! He needs a hospital, Erin. No offence, but there's no way in hell I'm leaving him here alone with you, especially not like _this_." Will said, voice low but full of determination.

"Well it's a good thing you won't have to then." Jay stated, making Erin and Will jump slightly at his presence.

Looking between the two of them, he gave a short nod before setting his eyes on the couch and sluggishly making his way over. He quickly slipped the discarded boots back onto his feet before turning his head over his shoulder to look back at the pair behind him. "Thanks for letting me crash here. I better get going."

Erin shook her head, confused by his reaction. She took a step forward, setting down the cup in her hand. " _Crash here_? Jay, this is your home."

He chuckled, standing from the couch. "Didn't we already have this talk?"

"Why don't we have it again? This time you could actually try listening." Erin argued, a hint of anger in her voice.

Jay grinned, shaking his head as he grabbed the discarded jacket from the couch. "That's real cute, Erin."

She gritted her teeth. She was tired of this, tired of the act he was putting on. The games he was playing, all his walls secured around himself to mask the pain that was building right below the surface. She thought getting him home would be a step forward, but he was just as stubborn as she was. He had no intention of making this easy, no reason to want to.

Stealing a glance back at Will, she watched as he gave one short nod and she turned to face Jay once again. Taking another step forward so she stood just in front of him, a deep frown spread across her face, her eyes pleading. "Jay, talk to me. _Please_."

He groaned, running his hands roughly through his tousled hair. "I shouldn't have come with you last night."

"You know that's not true. This is where you need to be." she said, her eyes soft as they searched his. "You can't just keep running, Jay. Someday it'll catch up to you, and if you don't deal with it now, it'll hurt a thousand times worse later on. If you think it's bad now- if you think the grief is eating you alive now, it'll only get worse. _You_ know that."

The words were sincere, spoken out of complete knowledge and understanding. The events of Nadia's death three years earlier had nearly ripped her world to shards, sending her down the same deep hole she desperately crawled out of fifteen years earlier. The reason she came back was obvious- _Jay_. The reason she stayed wasn't as simple.

Six months into being back on the job, starting a solid relationship for the first time in her thirty years of living, Erin's world felt like it was crashing in. They started as occasional nightmares after Yates returned, but after a few weeks they turned into nightly panic attacks followed by cold sweats and shaky limbs. Restless nights that lead to restless weeks. Soon, Erin found herself pulling back again, quickly retreating to a small pub or a bottle of Jack after a long case instead of Molly's with the unit. Except this time, he wouldn't let her be alone. Jay would search her out, no matter how well she thought she was hiding. Carry her home if he had to, force her into work the next day- force her into reality.

Jay suggested regular sessions with Dr. Charles. At first she protested, adamant that it was just a rough couple of weeks, being around Nadia's birthday and all. But as he laced their fingers together and let out a strangled sigh, Erin looked deep into his eyes. Momentarily captured in time by the shimmer of the crisp, ocean-blue color staring back at her. It was then that he gave her his signature Halstead grin, bringing her hand to his lips, brushing them gently against the soft skin. Whispered his love into the back of her hand. Three words she had never heard spoken to her in such a sincere way in her entire life. And she nodded. A firm and direct nod as she cleared her throat, spoke through her hoarse voice.

Three years ago she had started attending sessions with Dr. Charles. Only dropping them down to twice a month instead of once a week a little less than a year ago. Once she was sure she could fully handle the effects the events had caused her. Discussing not only recent events, but delving deep into her past, her childhood. Life before Intelligence, before Jay, before Voight.

"Jay." Erin said, voice hard and focused. "Whatever this is, however this is affecting you. You gotta face it head on."

He shook his head, rolling his eyes at her familiar comment as he crossed his arms hard against his chest. "Like I told you before, Erin. I'm fine."

 _Fine_. Fine was the word they used with things were falling to shit and the world was seconds from crumpling beneath them. 'Fine' always meant the opposite of fine.

She let her eyes close for a brief second, a hollow chuckle escaping her lips. "Could you just clue me in a little bit to how you're really doing? Like how you're actually, truly doing? I haven't seen you in weeks; you barley return any of my messages, and now you're standing here, letting me know everything is just ' _fine_ '?"

Jay stared at her blankly as she spoke, his eyes never directly meeting hers. Her eyes widened slightly, hand gesturing toward him, silently communicating that it was his turn to speak, but he stood silent. She let out a frustrated groan, raking a hand roughly through her hair.

"What is it with you, huh? This isn't fine, Jay! None of this is fucking fine!" she screamed. Her eyes welling with unshed tears as Will took a cautious step forward, standing inches behind her.

"Fine would be where we were two months ago. Actually, that would be fucking great! Did you forget about that!? Planning for a future we couldn't wait to have together. The two of us, finally. After all this damn time, it was Right. Fucking. There. Jay!"

She took another step forward, pressing her finger up roughly into the hard muscles of his chest. She glared as he shrugged, completely unaffected as she lost her shit.

"Talk to me! Tell me what's going on with you! Tell me how you're doing! I want to help you, to be there for you. Let me help you. Talk to me. Talk to me!" she yelled, slamming her fists into his chest as tears streamed down her face.

Jay's feet stumbled back at the force of her hands, his eyes widening with each blow. His chest rose hard and fast as her words came out loud and jumbled and the tears flowed down her cheeks. He swallowed- hard. Bringing a hand up quickly to his face to rub his heavy eyes.

Erin's eyes focused as she studied the glint masked behind rough hands. She shook her head, silently willing him to open up. He let out another strangled sigh. Dropping his hands dejectedly to his side as his eyes hardened. "I'm just…peachy." he declared.

A rough strangled laugh broke through her sobs. "Are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU!?"

"What do you want me to say here, Erin?" Jay screamed, throwing his coat back down onto the couch. "He's dead. He's dead, Erin!"

He took a step closer, once again leaving no space between them as he towered over her, hard eyes fixed on her as she glared up at him.

"He's fucking dead and that's on me. Everything that happened, _everything_. It's all on me. Every single thing." He swallowed through the lump in his throat. Tears welling up in his eyes, he shook his head as a jagged breath escaped his lips.

"So excuse me if I don't want to sit on the couch with you and some _shitty_ takeout watching some _shitty_ movie as we talk about our 'one day.' _One day_ is never gonna happen, Erin. Get the fuck over it."

"Jay-" Erin tried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She lifted a hand slowly, cupping his cheek in her palm.

He stilled for a moment, leaning into her touch. Sighing heavily as he attempted to breath through the pain. And then in a single instant, his eyes darkened- the color vanishing as gray invaded his irises. Quickly he snapped his hand out, effectively gripping onto her wrist and pulling her hand away from his cheek.

"This isn't happening." he stated, pushing her hand down- forcing it to fall limply to her side. "I said we weren't having this conversation again and I meant it. I'm not talking about it. It's over. I don't get why you keep trying to force me to talk about it again." he said, voice rising with each word. "Why don't you try doing us both a favor and actually listening to me for once, okay? Stay the fuck away from me, get the fuck out of my life, and I swear if I have to-"

"Hey!" Will shouted, finally having enough of Jay's behavior. He stepped firmly between them, placing a hard hand on Jay's chest and shoving him backward. "What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?"

Jay stood silent for a moment. Shock evident on his face as he glanced at his brother. His eyes traveled from Will to Erin and back again as his chest heaved, tightening more and more with each second. He shook his head rapidly, a deep chuckle escaping his lips as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Great. Fucking _great_." He mumbled.

He sent Erin one final look as his jaw tightened. Set hard on a deep scowl as he gritted his teeth and he rolled his eyes. Turned on his heels, only stopping momentarily to grab his coat from the back of the couch before taking quick strides toward the front of the apartment. The loud _THUD_ of the front door the only sound echoing through the room.

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 **A/N: So this didn't go so well...I couldn't make it that easy! It'll take a little bit more before Jay starts to fully recover.**

 **I can't promise how often I'll update, I know these were pretty close. But I'll try for at least once a week. Let me know what you thought!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, thanks so much for your reviews so far, it's so great to read feedback and hear that you like this story! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!**

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His feet stumbled forward, carrying him down the long hallway and toward the elevator. He slammed his fist against the button, letting the power of his pent-up grief ding the doors open in front of him. Taking a long, shaky breath, he let his feet skid across the carpet and into the small boxed-in space. His mind traveled to the events of the last half hour as he paced back and fourth in the small room. Focusing on the ground to avoid the mirrors positioned around the walls of the elevator. As the unit halted to a stop and the door swung open, Jay found himself marching out of the apartment building with new purpose.

His chest felt heavy, tight with emotion. All the walls he had been building for weeks threatened to break as he stood in their apartment. As he listened to her talk. Watched her breakdown in front of him. Watched her fall apart _because_ of him. It made something inside of him snap and he found himself stepping around the corner of an old building down the street, toward a dimly lit alley. Away from the main avenue. Away from cabs. Feet dragging forward as his chest heaved uncontrollably, the tightness becoming unbearable as images of her flashed through his mind.

His feet kept walking, moving different directions, pulling him farther and father away from home, away from _her_. Heart pounding and chest feeling like a thousand tiny needles, he tried to clear his mind of any other thoughts as the October breeze carried him forward. And he turned down another dark street and another until he was in a part of town that in the dark moonlit night and his still somewhat inebriated state, even _he_ couldn't recognize.

It wasn't as if he was paying that much attention to the world around him anyhow. His eyes trained downward. Cast onto the ground as they stared at debris and litter piled up along the side of the cracked cement. A strange laugh left his lips as he kicked an empty beer bottle across the ground, slamming his fingers deep down into his leather jacket pockets as the wind picked up around him.

Not until that moment did he notice the large wet drops that were falling with ease down his cheeks. Looking up, he let his gaze get lost in the deep gray sky as he halted in the middle of the small street. Watching as the raindrops danced their way down to the ground. Swinging and swaying, mixing together before landing with soft purpose into the hard ground beneath him. The corners of his mouth lifted up and he couldn't help the sting in his chest- the jealously he felt toward the droplets of water as they made their way effortlessly to the ground. The loud crack of thunder followed by the bright flash of lightening made Jay's eyes widen as he shook his head. Took a firm step forward, new determination in each footfall. And as he finally shifted his gaze toward the road in front of him, locked eyes with a dingy building across the street, a wide toothed smile appeared on his lips. _Now, if that wasn't pure luck, what was?_

"Well son of a bitch." he chuckled, crossing the road hurriedly as a car honked inches behind, splashing water onto the dark-wash of his dirty jeans.

With each step forward, his feet picked up pace. New purpose inside him, rumbling through his bones. The tightness of his chest already subsiding to a dull ache as the loud bass blared through the street just outside. The line was non-existent as Jay fished through his pocket, pulled out a small stack of ones to toss some at the man at the door, and offered a genuine smile as he placed his hand out to be stamped with the dark black ink.

The strobes were powerful, and for a moment he had to stop. Find his footing and reach out his hands toward the grimy wall, guide himself into the dimly lit room beyond. Small groups stood, tangled together in a dance-filled, sweat-covered mess, as Jay squeezed by. He easily made his way to the half-empty bar, taking a seat before surveying his surroundings once again. His eyes traveled over to a few drunken regulars, the clusters swaying offbeat to the shitty and overly-loud techno music on the sound system, then over to a couple in the corner that was in desperate need of a bedroom, and finally landed on his destination- the bartender.

The man gave him a short nod as their eyes met, offered him a small smile as he told him he'd be over in a second. Continued with his conversation with an older brunette in a short dress and bright pink pumps. Jay nodded his head in return before shifting his gaze to the bar in front of him. His eyes shutting for a moment as the events of the night replayed in his head.

' _What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?'_

Will's words came out sharp and stern, but his eyes were filled with unspoken words. Silently begging just as hers had moments before. He shook his head roughly, trying to rid himself of the images of her as he raked his hands across the scruff on his jaw. Begging, pleading for him to open up. And he stood. Motionless. Emotionless. Before completely loosing his shit- _again_. Snapping at her just because she cared. Because she wanted to help.

 _What the fuck was wrong with him?_

"Alright, kid. What can I get for ya?" The simple nickname and deep, gravely voice caught him off guard, and his eyes snapped open at the sound before he relaxed slightly in his chair. Took a deep breath and eyed the man a few moments longer than necessary before replying.

"Whiskey. Neat."

The man stared for a moment under squinted eyes before dipping his head once, a small shrug on his shoulders. Turning and grabbing a small glass and the large bottle and filling it before he set it down gently in front of Jay.

He wasted no time as he grabbed the small glass. Brought it to his lips and downed the contents in one gulp. Only wincing slightly at the deep burn in the back of his throat. The guy's eyes widened but then he nodded as Jay eyed the glass in front of him with a hard stare. Shaking his head slightly for emphasis. From that point on, the drinks showed up as fast as he could drink them. Only stopping for a few minutes when the bartender would leave to go start up small-talk with other patrons of the club after realizing Jay wasn't about to offer up any personal information about his life.

He wasn't sure at what point of the night the glasses stopped being handed to him. Were replaced instead by a darker, taller beer bottle which lasted a few minutes longer in his grip. Couldn't tell you if that was his choice or the man standing behind the bar. Either way, he couldn't have cared less as the cool liquid ran down his throat.

As he brought the nearly empty bottle to lips, he jumped slightly at the feeling of a gentle hand against his bicep. He stilled for a moment. Letting the cold liquid turn warm before swallowing and turning his attention to the left of him.

"How're you doin', handsome?" Her voice was soft, yet high-pitched. It made him shudder and tense as he narrowed his eyes in her direction doing a quick once-over of her body. Long bleached-blonde wavy locks fell around a fitted crimson mini dress with matching red heels. Her skin a deep bronze, an obvious result of a few too many sessions at an indoor tanning bed. Makeup heavy and unnatural as her deep red lips pursed in his direction.

He took a sharp intake of air to stop the chuckle from escaping his lip. Brought the bottle up once again and downed the remainder of his beer, motioning the bartender for another before he turned his attention back to her. He rolled his eyes as she smiled and bit her bottom lip, her fingers drawing smooth patterns into the arm of his jacket. "I'm fine." he mumbled out.

She smiled, taking a small step forward as she moved her hand up to rest on his shoulder. "Rough night?"

Shifting in his seat, Jay's body tensed slightly at the contact and he shook his head in her direction. Never meeting her gaze. "You have no idea."

Another step forward, she slid her hand back and forth as she beamed up at him. "Why don't we get out of here then? You can tell me all about it."

His brows furrowed as he finally shifted his gaze to meet hers. Watched as she sucked her bottom lip fully into her mouth and chewed on the plump lipstick covered skin, eyebrow raised with seduction. A deep chuckle escaped his lips as he heard the sound of a full beer bottle being set against the counter. He turned and nodded his appreciation toward the bartender before meeting her encouraging eyes.

If nothing else, at least she was confident.

He sighed, an unamused look spreading across his face as he shrugged away from her touch. "Look...that's not gonna happen." He said bluntly before turning back toward the new bottle. Bringing it up to his lips and taking a long pull.

She frowned, taken aback by his words. Not used to being turned down, especially not in clubs by attractive men sitting alone. That one should have been an easy pick-up. Letting out a hollow laugh, she stared back at him. "You're serious?"

"Deadly." He replied sharply, wincing at his own choice of word.

And she let her gaze wander over his face then. Took note of his worn out appearance and sad, desperate eyes. Concern creeped into her features. She sighed, shaking her head roughly as she examined him taking another pull from the beer. Already completely past the conversation they just had, no longer even remotely paying attention to the fact that she was still inches away from him.

"Well at least let me give ya something. Something ya might want." she said, licking her lips. A wink directed toward him made his body stiffen as he once again shifted in his seat, turned back toward the bottle of beer sitting on the bar before he stared down at the small, newly placed item on the surface of the bar. His eyes widened in complete disbelief as he stared down at a few white, small ovals placed in a tiny clear bag to the right of him as she pulled her hand up to his shoulder once again. He tensed at the touch, and she squeezed, giving a compassionate nod in return.

"We all go through hell once in a while, right? It sucks, and it'll make ya want to give up on reality. On everything." He looked up at her words, confusion evident in his brows. "For your troubles…help ya forget for a while." she added with a shrug before giving him a final squeeze on the shoulder and turning back toward her awaiting group of friends and walking out the front of the club.

His eyes were wide as he watched her disappear out of the double doors. Scanning the near-empty room, he eyed the few drunks before his hand moved up, placed it casually on top of the sticky surface. Slowly curled his knuckles as he wrapped the baggy into his palm. And then quickly shoveled the small, white globes deep into his leather pocket. His gaze traveled once more around the room before he looked back to the full bottle in front of him. Clenched it tightly in his grip. Took a deep breath before bringing it to his lips, tilting his head back and letting the deep amber liquid slide down his throat in a few long gulps.

His tired eyes were bloodshot and filled with a dark haze as he used his arms to push himself off the stool and stand on wobbly legs. Throw a few more bills out of his jean pocket and onto the bar before turning a little too quickly, and having to put his hands out to steady his swaying form. After he took a deep breath, he managed to shuffle his feet forward, unfocused eyes finding the exit to the club and pointing with his index finger as he led himself out.

He swung the door open just as the cool air and beads of rain hit his face like hard needles. Took one step forward before his head pulsed and he rocked on unbalanced feet. Steadied himself beneath his hands and the brick wall a few inches away as he rested his head heavy against the cold surface and let his eyes drift shut.

"Hey! Hey, why don't I call you a cab?" The bouncer asked with worried eyes as he observed Jay perched against the crumpling brick wall.

Jay's eyes swung open as his gaze traveled toward the small man standing before him. He let a condescending smirk play across his lips before he pushed himself off the wall. Mumbled some choice words back at the man as he stumbled forward. His feet dragged heavy as words replayed in his mind. Bounced around his skull. _We all go through hell once in a while._ A small chuckle escaped his lips as he continued forward, breaths heavy as memories threatened to escape. He shook his head rapidly, willing them back down. Forcing the images to stay locked deep within. But as his feet dragged forward and his breath came out rigid and unsteady, images flashed through him at a rapid speed. Each blink of his eye bringing another vision, each step another image.

 _Blood oozed between his fingers, warm and gooey between his shaky palms as he pressed harder and harder begging for the nightmare to be over._

 _Weight heavy on the fatal wound, seeking closure. Pleading the liquid to stop,to stay in place, as tears flowed endlessly down his cheeks._

 _Soft mumbled words broke through the chaos behind him as foot steps and promises went in one ear and out the other. The feeling of a gentle hand on his shoulder completely unnoticed._

 _The jagged breaths beneath his palms were short, inconsistent. Blood seeped out of his mouth, trickling onto the ground beneath them. Mixing into the puddle already formed into the oak floors. His heavy eyes, dull and unfocused as a strangled sob escaped Jay's lips._

 _His hands pressed harder against the rigid form beneath him as sirens sounded right outside. Desperate pleas falling as the grip on his shoulder tightened- pulled him._

 _And he shook his head, let a deep growl fall as he stayed firm in place. Eyes never leaving the unfocused gaze below him._

 _Until two solid sets of hands pulled him off, dragged him backward. Onto a crumpled mess on the kitchen floor a few feet away._

He stopped, dead in his tracks as the large drops came down hard against his shaking form. Let out a few rough breaths as he shook his head quickly, ran a hand through his hair forcefully and let a large groan spill from his lips. Gritting his teeth, he stared aimlessly at the dark street. Into the flickering streetlight above him as he willed his body to relax and he shoved his cold, wet hands deeper into his pockets. He sighed, unable to let the air fill his lungs. Unable to stop the images replaying over and over in his mind. His finger brushed up against it then, broken free from the baggy inside his pocket. Slightly dampened and crumpled beneath his touch due to the rain. He wrapped it in his palm, quickly fishing out the two others and bringing his hand out into the cool Chicago air.

His eyes involuntarily closed as he let out a strangled breath. As he swallowed the lump filling his throat. Swallowed the bile threatening to escape along with the demons pushing up once again into his conscious. He let his gaze travel down to his open palm. Stared as the small pills mixed with the small puddle of water pooling in his hand. And he took one more sharp intake of air as he clenched his fist, brought it up toward his mouth and popped all three of the small capsules inside. Swallowing roughly before scanning his surroundings once again.

A _7-Eleven_ stood across the street, lights bright and inviting under his foggy gaze. He took the steps quickly, despite the sway of his body in the wind. Swallowed harshly as he felt the tickle of the small pills against the back of his throat. He needed something to wash down the memory. Wash down any recollection of the night- of her tired, sleep deprived eyes. Of her tears, flowing endlessly down her face. Cries of help, pleas of understanding. He needed to forget. He _needed_ another drink.

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 **A/N: I know this story is different, but I hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I love writing it. This chapter was insight into how it's been for Jay the past few weeks, and I will let you in on Erin's world as well before bringing them back to each other. Hopefully this helps put into perspective how hurt he is right now, he needs to be really spiraling- totally broken in order for this to work the way I want it to! Anyways, sorry for my rambling :) Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews, I'm glad that you all are enjoying this! Here's the next chapter!**

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Her thumb rubbed sharply against her temple as Will's words replayed in her mind.

" _Just let him go, Erin. Let him go. I'll go and look for him after my shift."_

 _Erin parted her lips to protest before Will shook his head, his eyes hard._

" _No. Not happening, you're not going after him again. This is not up for discussion. I'll call you in the morning once I figure out where he ended up this time."_

 _One look at Will and Erin could tell there was no way she was going to change his mind. She nodded once, giving him a soft smile as he walked toward the door to start his shift at Chicago Med._

 _He turned back as his hand reached the doorknob, a smile planted on his lips. "Try not to stress. I'll call you, first thing."_

Erin let out a deep sigh, her eyes drifting over to the small clock on the upper right side of the computer monitor.

 _10:47 am_

Erin frowned, rolling her eyes as she pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Will. She let her head fall backward, resting against the top of her chair as her eyes drifted closed. _So much for calling first thing_. Shaking her head, Erin ran her hands roughly against her face before pushing away from her desk. Her chair rolled roughly against the hard floor. Eyes lingered on her as she mumbled a quick excuse into the air, raising her empty cup as if to emphasize her mandatory escape to the breakroom.

The loud buzzing of the gate to Intelligence stopped Erin in her tracks as she turned toward the sound of hard footsteps coming up the staircase.

"Ha! There's my boy!" Atwater chuckled, standing from his spot perched against his desk.

The gaze of all members of intelligence turned in union as Ruzek shuffled his way up the last two steps and into the bullpen.

"Hey hey hey." Adam hollered back, doing his best impersonation of Dwayne from _What's Happening_. His eyes were hazy and filled with emotion as he took another small step forward to meet Atwater in the center of the room. Atwater quickly swung his arm out to firmly place it against Adam's back and then stilled for a long moment as his eyes softened before gently leaning in to give him a solid hug.

"Missed you. A lot, bro. We're all really glad you're finally back." He said firmly, his hand gripped tightly onto Ruzek's shoulder. He gave him a solid nod and genuine smile before stepping back and allowing the other members of the unit a chance at their greetings.

Erin stood against the breakroom door, the empty cup gripped tightly in her hand as she observed the warm welcome. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile on her lips and willed away the overwhelming tightness forming in her chest. As if on cue, Ruzek lifted his gaze away from the conversation with Olinsky and over toward her. He offered a small smile- although his eyes were somber, brows drooping slightly.

Erin quickly widened her smile, nodding once over to him. She pushed herself off of the doorframe and toward the middle of the room. "Welcome back, Ruzek."

He matched her smile, tilting his head. "Thanks."

"Ruzek! You're late." Voight growled, effectively cutting off Adam's welcome ceremony as he made his way out of the small office attached to the side of the bullpen and up to his detective. Adam's eyes widened in surprise as he stuttered, at a loss of words over how to inform his sergeant of his purpose for being over forty-five minutes late to his designated start time on his first day back.

Voight's stern eyes softened as he took another step forward and offered Ruzek a firm handshake. "Welcome back, kid. Glad to see you're doing so well."

Ruzek gave an unsure smile in return.

"I assume all of your paperwork is already in order?" Voight asked, nodding toward the staircase to where Adam dropped off the large stack of medical forms to an uncharacteristically pleasant Sargent Platt just minutes before.

"Yes sir. Everything is taken care of."

Hank gave a solid nod, motioning toward Ruzek's empty- and overly tidy- desk. "Good. Get comfy, you've still got two weeks of desk duty before we can have you out in the field. I want you back out on the streets as fast as possible."

A genuine smile spread across Adam's face as he took a step across the bullpen. "Thanks boss, it's good to be back."

Voight let the smile linger against his lips as he turned to face the rest of the unit. Noticing Erin shift awkwardly from foot to foot- eyes transfixed on the floor, he cleared his throat. "Alright. Enough with the family reunion. Let's get back to work, huh? O, why don't you take Burgess and go check out that bust in that warehouse over on Wabash, see if it could have any association with Reymond."

The two gave a solid nod as they grabbed their jackets, heading out the back staircase of the building. As they left, Voight quickly got Ruzek updated on their newest case before he settled back into his office with the instructions of one hour for new information to be handed to him. Shuffling of papers and clicking of keyboards were quickly heard as the rest of the unit began scouting out all sources for new evidence.

Twenty minutes later Erin was no closer to getting any work done. She stared blankly at the lock screen of her desktop, her thoughts traveling a mile per second as she tried to will away the emotions threatening to escape. Standing from her desk, Erin did a quick sweep of the room, assessing all of her co-workers entranced in paperwork. She took quick strides into the breakroom before finally letting out a deep, uneven breath. Running a hand through her hair, Erin stared at the empty coffee maker, shaking her head before busying herself with the task of making a new pot.

The footsteps behind her momentarily transported Erin back in time to a period of playful banter, deep chuckles, and breakroom conversations. She rolled her eyes, quickly becoming aware of the fact that that was just a far off memory.

Ruzek paused, stilling for a moment as his eyes lifted from the grimy floor at the realization Erin was at the counter. Honestly, he hadn't noticed her get up and wasn't focused enough to realize she wasn't hunched behind her desk as he passed it by. He turned on his heels in an attempt to leave the room, but she turned over her shoulder, catching him in the act.

"Hey." she offered, her eyes returning to the brewing pot in front of her.

Adam sighed, taking short, slow steps forward as he cleared his throat. "Hey. Uhhmm. How's everything?"

"Fine." Erin replied quickly, her eyes never leaving the machine.

A few moments passed by as Ruzek took another step forward toward the machine. He watched her as she stared blankly at the the now-full coffee pot before he sighed and grabbed two mugs from the sink. He poured himself a cup of the steaming, freshly-brewed liquid. Turning then, he tilted the pot slightly as an offer and she nodded before he filled the other as well and then placed the pot back on the counter.

"How're you doing?" Erin asked, her eyes dropping toward the light purple-yellow bruise noticeable above the collar of his shirt and then dropping farther down to his plaid button down. Her eyes lingered for a few moments, deep in thought, before he cleared his throat effectively shifting her gaze back to meet his.

"I-I, uhh. I'm pretty good, Lindsay. Stitches are finally out; doc says I should be good to go soon."

He stared at her for a moment, her eyes filled with unshed tears as she quickly focused her attention at a spot of cold, spilled coffee on the counter.

"So that…that's good." He added into the silence.

Erin forced a small smile as she sniffed, willing away any unwelcome emotions. "Good."

Ruzek took in a deep breath as his eyes scanned over her small frame. He sighed. Placed his lips against the rim of the cup and took a small sip of the scorching bitter coffee before meeting her eyes once again. "How is he?"

The question caught her off guard. She honestly wasn't expecting him to bring it up at all. Let alone in the breakroom, in the middle of the day, _during_ a case. Her eyes widened but she quickly gained her composure, leaning into the cabinet and staring down at the steam billowing up from the mug in her hand. "He's fine." she replied sharply.

Adam's eyes scanned over her, he was aware that he was well out of the loop, but there was no way in hell Jay was fine. Or anywhere close to being fine. And the little he had discussed with members of the unit and Kim over the past few weeks let him know there was a lot more going on than _fine_. "Alright." he nodded.

"Look, Erin- I know I already tried once, and he didn't want to hear it…but-but maybe I could try talking to him again. It-it wasn't his fault and I think maybe if I could just-"

"NO!" she shot back, slamming the coffee mug hard against the counter. The fullness of the cup caused the action to send the hot liquid flying over the rim and onto her hand, but she ignored it as her face hardened.

Adam's eyes widened as he took a small step backwards, sensing the rage built up inside her.

"Jay doesn't need you to throw empty words at him. He doesn't need your useless assurances and sad-ass stares. He's a fucking mess, Adam! And there's nothing you or anyone else for that matter can do to fix it, so just mind your own damn business and stay the fuck out of his life!"

Ruzek could only nod in response. He stared at her for a moment, bug-eyed as he gulped. Opened his mouth to speak before a voice cut into the tension of the room.

"Lindsay! My office." Voight barked, his voice loud and determined as it shot through the breakroom door.

Erin's eyes widened in response as she registered the events of the last few minutes in her mind. Turning toward the door she watched Hank stare at her behind questioning eyes and didn't miss the sad looks she was receiving from the unit past the doors of the break room. She quickly whipped her head back around, stared into Adam's stunned eyes, and sighed as she opened her mouth to try to form some kind of appropriate apology for her outburst. It was his first day back, he went through hell that night and somehow Erin had managed to push all of her pent-up frustration toward him. Just because he was there didn't make him the right target.

"Lindsay, now!" Hank's gravely voice boomed once again, eyes hard.

Erin nodded once before offering Ruzek a small smile. His gloomy, understanding eyes met hers as he watched her step inside Voight's office and slowly shut the door.

Hank sighed, sitting in his oversized, black office chair and folding one leg over the other. He motioned Erin to sit across from him and she groaned before taking a step further inside. She sat, her whole body tense, resting on the edge of the hard seat. "How are ya holdin' up today?"

"Me?" Erin questioned.

"Yeah, you. You are Lindsay, right?" sarcasm dripped from his voice, a small smirk pulling at his lips. But Erin sat still, absentmindedly twisting the small diamond pressed close to her knuckle in between her thumb and index finger.

Hank eyed the movement, taking another deep breath before focusing his attention back toward her bleak eyes. "I meant what I said, kid. All you gotta do is say the word. I'll find him, come hell or high water. I'll bring him home."

She shut her eyes, sighing loudly before running a hand through her short blonde locks. "He came home, Hank."

The shock was evident on his face as Hank sat up in his seat. His elbows rested firm against the dark wood desk as his brow knitted up in confusion. "He came home? As in _home_ , home?"

An unintentional laugh escaped Erin's lips. "Yeah. I mean, not willingly. And once he was fully aware of it, he took off pretty quick. Not even Will could stop him."

Hank scoffed. "Why didn't you call me?"

Erin shrugged, her body relaxing slightly into the old chair. "I want him home because that's where he wants to be. That's where he _needs_ to be. Not because we force him there- tie him to the bed and shove our version of heartfelt words down his throat."

Hank let out a small chuckle. He'd be lying if he said it didn't kill him to watch Erin fall apart from Jay's absence. But it also became harder and harder with each case to stare at an empty desk where one of his best detectives usually sat. "Hey, we do what we gotta do to get him back."

Erin nodded. "I guess so."

"You know, you don't gotta go through this alone." Hank added, his eyes warm. "Lean on your team, your _family."_ he emphasized with a hard stare.

A ghost of a smile passed across Erin's lips as she rose from her seat. "Yeah." she said with a dip of her head. Then she pointedly jerked her thumb toward the door, a silent question Hank answered with a single nod.

She took two small steps, her hand gripped tightly around the door handle before she turned her head over her shoulder. Determined eyes meeting his awaiting stare.

"I'm not giving up on him, Hank. Ever."

He nodded, a sincere smile on his lips. "I know, kid. I wouldn't expect anything less."

She grinned, shrugging her shoulders slightly as she turned back toward the door. Swung it open quickly. The softness of his voice stunned her as Hank called her name into the space between them.

She turned fully around, hair brushing against her cheek as her eyes met his.

"Just…be careful. Take care of yourself." he said with a half-small smile.

The corner of her mouth twitched up in return. "Of course." she whispered in reply before heading back toward her desk.

It was a peculiar thought, the idea that Hank was telling her to watch her back around Jay. It made a thick lump form in her throat and she willed herself for the umpteenth time that day for the tears not to fall.

Over the past couple of years, the relationship between Hank and Jay had grown from a sergeant-detective bond to something much greater. Erin would love to take all the credit for the sudden change. To say it was due to the relationship she had between both men, and the equal amount of love they shared for her. But she knew that wasn't the full reason.

As Jay's years in intelligence grew, Hank respected his outlook on the law. He never faltered in decisions, completely loyal to the system through-and-through. It made them butt-heads in the beginning, nearly every case leading to some sort of disagreement. But Hank valued Jay's opinion and trusted him completely. It made him shudder at the memories of that night. Shed tears of his own as he clasped his hand tightly onto Jay's arm, pulling him tight against his embrace. Fight like hell as Jay distanced himself from cases, eventually detaching himself from the precinct all together before Hank answered a call late one night from a sobbing Erin. Try every trick in the book to convince her to let him and Al go out searching for him those first few days. But Erin was adamant and stubborn, resisting his help every time he tried.

Her own methods worked just as well. She tailed his car. Showed up at Chuck's- or whoever else's house he was staying at for the night- just to check how he was doing. To make sure he was still in one piece. She left countless voicemails and texts, filling his phone full with worried messages. Only occasionally receiving the very short ' _I'm fine'_ message in return. But those two words were enough to let her hold out hope, hold onto something. Jay was there, _her_ Jay. She just had to help him find that version of himself again.

Erin dragged herself against the old, cracked tiled floor. The short walk to her desk taking a considerably long amount of time as she let her mind wander. The buzzing of her phone against her thigh brought her out of her dazed state as she fought with the tiny opening of her pocket for a moment before bringing the little black phone to her ear.

"Lindsay." she mumbled into the small speaker.

Her heart dropped as the voice connected into her ear. The words on the other end came out rapidly and Erin struggled to keep up, only catching one word here-or-there and jumbled together statements. The frantic voice boomed through her eardrum and she shook her head, her hand clenching tightly around the cell phone as tears clouded her vision.

"Will. Will!" Erin screamed into the phone, effectively gaining the attention of the other detectives in the bullpen. "Calm down." She urged, more to herself then to him.

Grabbing her keys from her desk, Erin's feet fell heavy against the tile as she sprinted toward the gate leading away from Intelligence. She completely ignored the worried calls being shouted after her as she spoke into the phone again. "I'll be there in ten minutes."

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 **A/N: As promised this was a little more about Erin without Jay. Hopefully it's (very) slowly starting to piece together for everyone, I promise in the next couple of chapters you'll get the full story of what happened. I'm just enjoying gradually building up to it now. Let me know what you thought!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks once again for the reviews, they really mean a lot to me! Here's the next chapter, hope you like it :)**

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The doors the the Emergency Department slid open as Erin sprinted down the wide hall. She stopped short, her eyes frantic as she breathed heavy. Taking another large step forward her hand slapped down roughly against the counter and she was met with two familiar faces.

"Erin." Natalie said calmly as she turned from her conversation with Maggie. Sensing the terror in Erin's eyes, Nat set a firm smile on her lips. But Erin shook her head in response, slamming her hands once again against the countertop.

"Where's Will? Where's Jay? Is he alright?" The words came out jumbled together and tears pooled up in her eyes. Her breaths fast and uneven as Nat circled the nurse's station to stand in front of her.

"Erin." she stated once again. "I need to to take a deep breath and calm down." Erin shook her head, but Natalie ignored the motion as she continued. "I really need you to breath for me. Will is just-"

"Erin!"

Erin's head quickly snapped to the side, watching as Will sprinted toward them from the hall that led into the main hospital.

Panic set in as Will paused for a moment, silently catching his breath as he bent forward resting his hands against his knees.

"Will!" She screamed, worry filling the single-syllable word.

He shot up, brows furrowing for a moment before he nodded. "He's fine, Erin. Jay's fine." he offered, breaths still harsh and uneven.

Erin glared back to him, shaking her head and raising her eyebrow in return. "Where is he?"

"They took him to run a few more tests and then up to a private room for observations. Last I heard, they just wanted to keep him for a few hours to insure everything is alright before he can be discharged."

She sighed, running a hand through her hair before nodding toward him. "Alright." Letting out another deep breath she thought for a moment. " _Alright_. Can I see him?"

Will sighed, biting his lip and shaking his head as he sent a worried glance toward Nat. She gave him a small shrug in response before turning her attention back toward Erin, letting Will work around the situation. "Erin, I really don't know if that's such a good idea right now."

Erin tilted her head in response. Eyes narrowing as her hands made their way to her hips. "Alright, Will. Let's try that again." she said, planting a large, fake smile against her lips. "What room is he in? I'm _going_ to see him. And next time I swear to god I will kill you if you don't call me the second you find out my fiancé is in the hospital!"

Sucking in a sharp breath, Will let the air slowly leave his lungs, mulling over his answer. He disregarded her threat, focusing instead on the question. " _Fine_. I'll take you up to his room." Ignoring Nat's curious glance, he tilted his head pointedly toward the elevator before briskly stepping away from the ED and pressing the arrow that led them into the main floors of the hospital.

She stood silent, her mind racing as her foot tapped quickly against the shinny elevator floor. Will stole occasional glances over to her, but stayed quiet by her side as he ran through a few likely scenarios in his mind, each with unfortunate endings. And then a slight smirk played across his lips right as the doors dinged open and he gestured Erin out into the halls. He walked ahead of her as they took a sharp left, then a right, directly followed by another right until they were in a small corridor with large windows on the left side and hospital rooms stacked one after the other on the right.

He walked past a few of the partially opened doors before he slowed in front of one. A deep sigh leaving his lips as his chest rose timidly. "You ready for this?"

A raised eyebrow and crossed arms were all the response he received as he rolled his eyes back at her. Nodded once before gripping onto the door handle and swinging the door open completely to reveal his hospital-gown covered brother.

The hospital bed was slightly elevated and he sat with the covers hanging loosely around his chest as he absentmindedly flipped through channels on the small box TV hanging from the far wall. His body was rigid yet a slight smile rested against his mouth before his head turned at the sound of footsteps. The smile fell instantly from his lips.

Jay rolled his eyes, pointing with the remote over to them. "I thought I made it perfectly clear I didn't want her here."

Erin's eyes widened slightly as she sent a questioning gaze toward Will who shook his head in response. A small chuckle escaped his lips as he crossed his arms and shrugged. "Should of thought of that before you had yourself admitted to the hospital. Seeing as Erin is number one on your emergency contact list, I couldn't do much about the nurses contacting her when you were hauled off for tests, could I?"

Jay huffed, blowing out a deep breath of air as he brought his IV covered hand to rake through the greasy mess he was referring to as hair, being careful to avoid the large bandage covering his forehead. "Well, as you can see, I'm fine. So you can go now."

Erin shook her head, inching forward as she crossed her arms defiantly. "What the _fuck_ were you thinking?"

He rolled his eyes once again, watching as Will gave her a reassuring grip on the shoulder before turning and leaving the room. Promising to return in a few minutes, as soon as he received the results from the blood work.

"Erin, calm down." Jay said, eyes scanning around the small hospital room with an anxious expression. "I'm completely fine. I just drank a little too much."

"A little?!" Erin practically screamed. Her eyes hardened and she took a deep breath, willing herself to relax before continuing. "Drinking a little too much is like me and Mouse having to carry your ass up four flights of stairs on the Fourth of July." Jay winced slightly, but Erin ignored it and continued. "A _little_ is not passing out in the bathroom at a CVS after splitting your head open."

Jay shook his head, unfazed by her outburst. So, he drank a little bit excessively? Strolled down the darkened street and absentmindedly chugged the warming liquid from the six pack he picked up at the 7-eleven earlier in the night. He somehow managed to find his way inside a CVS in the early hours of the morning and tripped on his way out of using their bathroom. If it didn't bother him, he couldn't see why it seemed to be such a big deal to her. It wasn't like he was actually drunk anyways- just had a little too much to drink, that's all.

"You're overreacting." he stated simply.

"Overreacting? Jay you could have died!"

Jay sighed as he shook his head at her outburst and Will walked back into the small room. He shot Jay a worried glance before focusing his attention toward Erin. Clearing his throat, he planted a smile on his lips, although his brows furrowed as he nudged his head in the direction of the door. "Uhm. Can I talk to you in the hall for a sec?"

Erin's brows scrunched together in return but she nodded her head, tapping Jay's leg and letting him know she'd be right outside if he needed anything. He offered a short nod in response and the corner of her mouth pulled into a small smile as she followed Will out the door.

"Well?" she asked, arms crossing tightly into her body.

He let out a deep breath as his eyes traveled down to the iPad in his hand. "I ran a few extra tests...off the record."

Erin didn't respond. Instead she took one step closer, eyes lingering over the tablet in his hand as she scanned for any useful information. Will watched her cautiously for a moment before he passed the iPad clenched tightly in his hand over to her. Watched as she scanned the page before her eyes widened in shock and then set in hard line as she marched back into the room, the iPad firmly held in her hand. Her eyes hard and fixed on Jay as she stormed toward him. "What else did you take? Huh?! What else?"

Will followed close behind, concern evident on his face as he took a worried step closer to Erin.

Jay's eyes widened in surprise as he shifted uncomfortably in the stiff hospital bed. "What are you talking about?"

Throwing the iPad roughly onto his lap Erin shook her head, her teeth tugging roughly at her bottom lip. "Don't play stupid on me."

"Your tests came back." Will interjected, a slight shrug in his shoulder as he glared down at Jay. "They indicated small amounts of benzodiazepine, MDMA, _and_ dextromethorphan in your system. Care to explain?"

Jay took a large breath in, letting his eyes shut and his head hang before focusing his attention on the screen in his lap. Picked it up and scanned over the charts displayed. Taking another deep breath, he let his fingers rest over the screen as he turned his head back towards awaiting eyes. "Sounds like you already know."

Erin frowned, taking a step forward as a scowl formed across her face. "We _know_ what's in your system, Jay. I want to know what exactly you took."

Jay laughed humorously, his arms crossing tightly into his chest before he turned his attention completely toward her. "Why don't you tell me, Erin? You always have been the expert, right?"

Her eyes widened in response and she sucked in a quick intake of air. One subject that Jay _never_ judged her for- not even during their worst fights- was her struggle with substances. He had always been supportive of her, even when she was at her worst.

"You know that's not fair." she whispered.

"Yeah, well…" he shrugged, letting his sentence go unfinished.

Erin sighed, taking a step toward the bed to rest her hands on the firm mattress. "I'm trying to help you here, Jay. Let me."

"I don't need any help." he replied bitterly, eyes firmly locked on hers.

She took another step closer, moved one of her hands forward, skimming her fingertips across the blankets before her touch landed against his leg. He flinched slightly at the contact before swallowing roughly and focusing his gaze on her hand. "Jay, please. If you just talk to me- or anyone- we can get through this. It's not going to be easy, but I'm not going to leave you. I'll be there the whole time, whatever you need. Okay?"

He shook his head in response, eyes drifting closed as he let the words sink in and he tried to process them through his foggy mind. Taking a sharp breath, he exhaled shakily before letting his eyes meet hers once again. The glimmer of them desperately trying to mask the pain threatening to show right below the surface. He bit at the soft skin of his cheek as he thought. Before he let a bitter chuckle escape his lips and he shrugged. "You're wasting your time, Erin."

"No, no. No- I'm not, so if you'll just let me-"

"Erin!" he yelled, making her wince at the volume of his voice. "Stop. Stop trying to fix this- to fix me. _Please_ , just stop it."

Sighing, he ran a hand across his face and through the overgrown stubble on his cheek. Stilling near his temple as the thudding of his head intensified. Each thud digging deeper and deeper, ricocheting off of him in waves. Making him grit his teeth and wince. "Go home. Get out. Find someone else who needs saving."

The words were harsh, emotionless. They made Erin pull her hand back from him as she shook her head, silently willing him to open up to her. But he had completely shut down, the events of the previous night catching up to him, and all he could focus on was sleep. All he wanted was rest- some quiet for a few hours.

"When the hell am I getting out of here anyway?" He asked, fixing his glare on his brother instead of Erin.

Will shook his head in response, a smirk forming on his lips as he shrugged. Amusement evident on his face as he set his brows in a hard line. "Funny thing about that. You're not actually."

Jay's eyebrow shot up in return in form of a silent question as he waited for Will to continue.

"You're severely dehydrated, blood pressure is through the roof, were unconscious when you arrived, and you're still slightly hypothermic. Add to that the fact that we've still got you on fluids _and_ your blood alcohol level when you were brought in-" Will frowned, taking a step closer to the bed. "-Jay, Erin's right. I don't think you realize how serious this could have been!"

Jay let out a hollow laugh. " _Really_? Well, I guess it's a good thing that I'm perfectly fine, isn't it?"

"I'd say you're pretty damn far from fine." Will stated, taking another step forward. Jay stayed silent, a small smirk playing on his lips as his brother's anger grew. Will's chest rose hard and steady before he let out a sharp chuckle, leaning inches away from the hospital bed. "Look, the way I see it here, you have two choices. Get the fuck up, out of this hole you've been digging yourself in for the past two months. Fix your life, and start trying to find Jay again."

He took a deep breath, eyes hard. "Or- _or_ we can make this _real_ simple on you, Jay. You don't wanna change? Fine. That's okay too. Tomorrow you won't be discharged. I'll go and speak with Dr. Charles and you'll go right over to the psych ward and I'll make sure you stay there until _I'm_ good and ready for you to come home."

"Your choice. But if I were you, I'd start getting my shit together _real_ fucking fast." He added with a shrug before turning on his heels. Motioning Erin out of the room with a silent nod of his head as she stared at him walking out the door.

Sighing, Erin gave Jay one final look. Their eyes meeting for just a moment as she stared with a pleading expression. He swallowed roughly, chest falling hard as he opened his mouth slightly. But she shook her head in response- effectively cutting him off before turning and following Will into the hospital hall.

She watched as Will raked his hand through curly locks, groaning loudly.

"You really think that did anything?"

He laughed, hands falling loosely to his side as he shook his head and shrugged. "Probably not. I'm just tired of him being a _dick_ all of the time." he answered honestly.

A genuine chuckle escaped her lips as Will continued. "I'll check on him later when I start shift. Let you know if there's any updates. If not, I'll pick you up at noon tomorrow and we'll figure it out from there."

Erin nodded in response.

"You should head home, Erin. Try to relax, even if it's just a little bit." She gave him an apprehensive stare and he glared with determined eyes before taking a step forward. Gently wrapped his arms around her small frame for just a moment before pulling back and looking into her teary eyes. "I will call you tonight. Go home, Erin."

And with that, he gave one final squeeze to her shoulder before stepping back. Left Erin to swipe a quick hand across her cheek to catch a fallen tear before she watched as Will turned and walked away- the opposite direction they came in from. She frowned for a moment, shifting her gaze to the hospital room door before taking a step down the long hallway. Retracing her steps until she found her way back to the first corridor they had walked through. The elevator just down the hall from her as she took large, determined steps.

"Hey, Erin!" Natalie's voice called, the stethoscope around her neck swinging rapidly as she sprinted down the hall to catch up to the detective.

Erin slowed, pressing the down arrow for the elevator. "Hey, Nat." she nodded back.

Natalie took a deep breath, her eyes falling to the tiled floor for a moment before returning to the women in front of her. "Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, but-"

The dinging of the elevator door stopped Nat's words as Erin stepped inside. She put up a hand defensively to stop Nat from entering the enclosed space with her. "Now is _really_ not a good time." she said sharply as the door shut between the two of them.

Her eyes drifted closed as the elevator swayed beneath her. Guided her back down to the Emergency Department entrance. As the doors opened, Erin silently shuffled down the hall. Gaze firmly planted on the white tiled floor. Ignored the looks of familiar doctors and nurses as she pulled her keys from her jacket pocket and took heavy steps into the cool night air.

The car started with a loud roar and she focused her thoughts on the busy Chicago streets. Never letting her mind wander as she took sharp turns down familiar roads. Foot fixed against the gas as her hands dug into the worn leather of the wheel in front of her. Gaze transfixed on the mixing streetlight colors as her teary eyes slightly obstructed her vision.

As soon as the car was parked in her designated parking spot, she hopped out. Feet moving quickly toward the building entrance as the wind slapped against her cheek. She opted for the stairs, taking them two at a time before landing on her floor and making her way toward the door. Unlocked it in one quick motion as she kicked the boots off her feet with a heavy sigh. Stripped her clothes as she walked through the darkened apartment until she finally reached her destination and stepped inside as her skin brushed against the cool porcelain and turned the knobs in one quick motion.

The scalding water fell hard against her bare skin. Washing away the events of the past few hours. Each drop feeling like a needle, digging and prodding at her skin. Probing for new information. Searching for unshed tears, unspoken emotions. Erin took one shaky breath in, letting a warm tear fall down the smooth skin of her cheek. Once the single tear fell, her walls broke, sending a flood of emotions overboard. The warm tears mixing with the scorching water hitting her face.

Hard sobs escaped her as she reached for the bar of soap. Scrubbed and scrubbed as she tried to wash down the events of the last two months. Scrub past the surface, into her memory. Erase it all until everything was just a far off nightmare. The bar of soap fell from her hand against the hot porcelain floor. Another loud cry erupting as Erin's hand mechanically worked to wash away the lingering suds. Stilled as it reached the small, almost unnoticeable swell starting to form on her bare abdomen.

And her body collapsed. The weight of the events taking their toll as Erin cried herself into a heaping mess at the bottom of the tub. Hand protectively resting over her stomach as the hard water jabbed into her small frame and she curled herself into a tight ball.

* * *

 **A/N: I think it's neat to play out Erin being there for Jay as her past demons show through in his current ones. Add onto that the fact that the biggest rock in her life isn't there- she literally is fighting to stay grounded** _ **and**_ **fighting to pull Jay to the surface. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you thought! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Once again, thank you for all the reviews! Enjoy the next chapter!**

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Jay's eyes were heavy with sleep as he groggily forced his way back to consciousness and adjusted himself on the hard hospital bed. Shifted to his back and squinted his eyes tighter shut as he felt the brightness and heat from the sun illuminating through his eyelids from the open hospital room curtains. And then in one quick motion they popped open as he heard a faint knock on the door.

"I was hoping I'd make my way over to see you before you went home today."

A small smile and nod were offered over in return. His eyes cautious as they glanced over at Dr. Charles' frame walking swiftly towards the edge of the bed. Settled on the glasses hanging loosely over the bridge of his nose.

"How are you doing, Jay?"

He sighed, running a hurried hand through his hair as he mulled over the simple question. Talking to Will and Erin was easy enough for him, he stayed focused and direct and avoided any of their heartfelt offers.

Talking to a psychiatrist was different. Especially one he had known for years. One who had helped the unit multiple times during heavy cases. Helped Will deal with the medical board after a difficult procedure led to a slue of accusations. Helped Natalie when post-partum depression came in full swing a few weeks after she returned to work after the birth of Owen. Helped Erin when he nearly lost her once again to all of the demons she carried around.

Taking in a shaky breath, Jay let his eyes fall closed. Swallowing the large lump in his throat before his eyes once again locked with the doctor in front of him. "I'm fine."

"Hm." Dr. Charles replied warmly as his eyes stayed fixed on Jay's. He let a small smile creep across his face as he cleared his throat and began reciting words as though reading them directly from a textbook, "To feel very well…perhaps in an excellent manner? As though everything is in perfect place and settled around yourself."

Jay raised his eyebrow in question, contemplating the words for a brief moment before he furrowed his brows further in confusion.

"That is _fine_ , after all. By definition of course." Dr. Charles added with a shrug as he took a step toward the bed. Set his hand softly on the edge of the mattress. "Does that describe how you're feeling?"

Jay exhaled- a sharp release of breath as he stared down at the floor for a moment. Shook his head with a light chuckle before looking back up at waiting eyes. "Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do here-" A raised eyebrow from Dr. Charles made Jay roll his eyes and shift in the bed. "-but I _really_ am fine. Thank you anyways."

A soft smile played on the psychiatrist's lips as he stared down at Jay. Patted his hand lightly onto the bed before nodding toward him. "And that's perfectly okay."

Jay let a grin grow across his lips as he tilted his head once in silent victory. Watched as Dr. Charles looked about the room once more before his gaze settled in on the TV against the far wall. And he stared for a moment- focusing in on the old black-and-white movie that had been playing across the screen. Then in a sudden motion, he turned his eyes back toward Jay's, an unreadable expression on his face.

"But, if you'd ever like to be more than _fine_ , I'd like to help you try. If you'll have me." he offered, a small shrug in his shoulder as he turned on his heels and headed out of the small hospital room.

Jay let out a frustrated sigh. Ran a hand through his hair as he mulled over their conversation, and the conversation of the night before. Only sighed louder when her heard the soft mumbles of Dr. Charles and familiar voices right outside the door. Fixed hard eyes on the door as it swung open once again and Erin made her way toward his bed.

"Hey." A small smile was planted on her lips, but her eyes were weary. Her hair was thrown loosely back into a bun, exposing her face to the bright hospital room lightening. Making it apparent that she had gotten very little- if any- sleep at all from the large purple bags under her eyes. The red rim around them also made it clear she had been crying recently.

He looked at her, eyes traveling her small frame as his leg bounced nervously and his brows dropped before offering a quick response.

"Hi."

Their eyes stayed locked on one another's. Silent words bouncing off the stark white walls. She opened her mouth a few times, as if to start up some form of conversation. But failed each time, shutting it quickly as her gaze stayed fixed on his. Taking a few steps forward, she placed her hand on his blanket covered leg, stilling the movement beneath her hand. He let out a tired sigh, eyes heavy as they focused on her fingers tracing small patterns, relishing on the feel of her touch through the thin cotton material.

"Alright!" Will shot out, shifting both of their attention back toward the door. "So you're free to go. I guess the only question is, where to?"

Jay groaned, immediately glaring over at his brother. Eyes hard in an even stare as Will stared right back. Another loud groan left his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head in response. " _Really_?"

Will smirked, completely unamused at his younger brother's attitude. "I wasn't joking yesterday, Jay. The choice is all on you. _So,_ where are we taking you?"

Letting out a large sigh, Jay's eyes wandered the small room. He focused in on the IV in his hand and gritted his teeth for a moment before turning his attention back up. Before looking at Erin staring at him with hopeful eyes. She gave him a small, almost unnoticeable smile and nodded her head.

"If you think I'm staying in this hell-hole for another minute, then you've lost your damn mind. I'm going home."

"Great!" Will responded enthusiastically, flinging his hand up to emphasize his point. "That's what I thought you would say. Your nurse is on her way in and we'll get you out of here."

Jay nodded once in understanding before turning his head back toward the small TV. Focusing his attention on the old movie still playing across the screen. He only looked up occasionally when the nurse entered along with another doctor to ask a few questions. Muttered out a few short responses as they took out his IV and Erin set down a bag filled with clothes for him to change into.

He took off in silence towards the bathroom, leaning up against the wall for support as he changed into the gray sweats and Blackhawks t-shirt that were brought for him. As he sluggishly made his way back into the hospital room, he wasn't surprised to see the wheel chair waiting for him. And he only rolled his eyes as he sat down and listened to Will ramble on about hospital policy and how he needed to take it easy for the remainder of the day as he was wheeled toward the elevator and down to the car.

Although they only lived a few miles away from Chicago Med, the car ride back to the apartment took over forty-five minutes thanks to heavy lunch traffic and a bad car wreck that had jammed up most of the downtown. Jay tried to take the ride to his advantage as he let his head lull back against the leather seat and shut his eyes. But his stomach turned and head pounded as the events of the past forty-eight hours started to take their toll on his body. Every bump and pothole made him wince and suck in a sharp breath as he willed away a new wave of nausea.

Instead of focusing in on the constant rumble of his stomach or the conversation between Will and Erin in the front seat- their hushed tones, voices filled with concern- he stared out into the busying street. Watching as they slowly passed by familiar roads and turned down each street. He studied the faces of each person they passed by, searching them for any sign of familiarity. Hoping for some small form of comfort to dull the sharp stabbing in his skull, to rid the never-ending ache in his chest.

When Will finally killed the engine to the car, Jay opened the door and took off toward the apartment building before the keys even left the ignition. Left Erin and Will sitting in shocked silence for a few moments before hastily exiting the car after him. They took quick strides toward the building before Erin's hand swung up and grabbed tightly onto Will's arm, halting his movement. He jerked backwards at her grasp as his eyes darted back toward her. Eyebrow raised in silent question.

Erin took in a deep breath of air, letting her grip slowly slacken on his arm, but not fully letting go. "Maybe it's better if I'm the only one that goes in with him. Just for now? It might make things a little easier on him."

A small shake of the head was the only response, followed by a short chuckle. Will quickly shook out of her grip, took one step around her and towards the building.

Erin frowned. "Will, I'm serious!"

Turning back around to face her again, his brows scrunched up in confusion. "You really think that's a good idea right now? Honestly, Erin?" He took a step toward her, putting his hand on his hips as she scoffed in response.

"We finally got him back here, Erin. Let _me_ make sure he stays."

Erin rolled her eyes, looking around Will's shoulder, she watched as Jay walked into the building before turning her attention back to him. "Don't treat me like I'm incapable of handling him, Will!" She growled, eyes hard as they searched his. "He's not going anywhere. _Please_."

He let out a deep groan, running fingers roughly through his hair as he debated her request. Let his eyes fall shut for a short moment as he replayed the events of the last couple of days, and then the last few weeks. And then focused in on the fact that _she_ was able to get him home. No matter how hard Jay was putting up a fight, _he_ chose to come here today. Some part of him was ready to start facing this, and he needed to be with her in order to do it.

" _Fine_." Will finally agreed, making Erin smirk in success. " _But_ I'm coming to check on you later." He added firmly.

Erin's glare stayed locked on his for a moment as she thought. Then she nodded once before stepping around him and into the building. Only offering a short wave over her shoulder right before she stepped inside of the entranceway. Took the elevator up to the fourth floor in silence and stepped out to find Jay waiting at the end of the hall. His head leaned roughly against the apartment door and hands hanging limply at his side.

She sighed, taking large strides down the hallway. "Lost your key?"

At the sound of her voice, Jay jumped slightly, only making the pounding in his head intensify. He looked back at her, noting the smirk on her lips and mumbled out a short reply before stepping out of the way. Letting her unlock the door and walk inside of the apartment before following behind.

His eyes skimmed around the room as his feet moved forward. The place that he had called home for almost two years seemed like a far-off dream...a distant memory that belonged to a person who no longer existed.

He guided himself farther into the apartment until something caught his attention- an older picture frame perched on the bookcase, and without thinking, he took a step toward it. Focused in on the photo of the two of them together- bright eyes and wide smiles as her hair whipped widely in the cool Wisconsin air. He recognized it instantly, and had to shut his eyes to will away the tightness forming in his chest. Memories flashed through him as he breathed in the long-forgotten joy illuminating off the picture- vivid images dancing through is head.

 _Night swims in the cold lake- her legs wrapped around his torso as she let out uncharacteristically girly giggles into his ear._

 _The smell of burning fish as smoke billowed out of the kitchen and he doubled-over in laughter, watching as Erin panicked in front of the stove- feet scurrying around the kitchen as she screamed at him to stop making fun of her and help before the whole place burned down._

 _Her body pressing tighter against his as he shifted uncomfortably on the not-so-supple and way-too-firm couch and the fireplace crackled in front of them- her cold hands roaming under the hem of his henley and a smirk played on her lips as he yelped at her touch._

Jay visibly jumped as Erin's voice shot through the apartment, taking him out of his thoughts. "Well I don't know about you, but I could really go for some food." He turned away from the picture, meeting her eyes as a small grin formed on her lips. "What about you? You hungry?"

He groaned, sucking in a deep breath of air as his stomach flipped at the mention of food. Swallowed roughly as another wave of nausea threatened to escape. Oblivious to his pained expression, Erin took a step forward, the grin growing on her face. "I can make us something for lunch."

A raised eyebrow and questioning stare made Erin chuckle. In five years of being together, both of them were well aware cooking was not something she succeeded in, ever. " _Okay_ , point taken." She nodded."Pizza? Chinese? What are you in the mood for?"

"Erin…"

"Jay, you have to eat." She warned, taking a small step into the kitchen.

Jay adamantly shook his head. "Look...no offense Erin, but I'm not really in the mood for small talk over some lo mein and egg rolls."

The thudding in his head intensified as he turned his attention toward the dark entrance way to the bedroom. He let out a heavy breath and brought a hand up to rub against his temple. "You wanted me home and you got me here."

Letting out another shaky breath, Jay turned to look over his shoulder, meeting Erin's pleading eyes. He sighed, bitting at his lower lip before responding. "I'm just really tired, Erin. I'm gonna go take a nap."

He turned toward the bedroom door and shut it quickly, ignoring her once-again repeating that he needed to eat. Left Erin to stand in the middle of the living room with a deep frown on her face as she stared at the bedroom door. And she waited. Stood staring at the dark wood blankly, breathing heavy as her eyes pleaded with the oak before a large yawn escaped her. She sighed and plopped down roughly onto the couch beneath her. Let her hands skim the soft cushion before her eyes drifted shut for a brief moment and she curled her feet up onto the couch as well. Before she let her body relax against the cushion and her eyes drifted shut once again.

A loud knock at the door caused her eyes to fly open as Erin swung her feet off the couch. Rubbed her tired eyes for a moment as a loud yawn escaped her lips before she reached into her pocket and clicked the small button on her phone. She did a double take as her eyes focused in on the time, reading _9:46 pm_. A short nap had turned into almost eight solid hours of sleep. As she groggily made her way across the room, she let out another small yawn as the thudding at the door intensified. Swinging it open she was met with familiar deep-blue eyes.

Will shrugged. The grocery bags in his hands lifting up into her vision in silent greeting.

She smiled, opening the door further and swung up her hand in invitation. "Hey."

"Hey." he offered in return as he watched her turn back toward the seemingly empty apartment. Let his eyes wander to the closed bedroom door and nodded to himself as relief washed through him and he contemplated his next words carefully. "So, I was talking to Nat last night…"

"Yeah?" Erin nodded over her shoulder as she made her way into the kitchen with Will right behind her.

He sighed, letting the breath slowly leave his lungs as he placed the grocery bags onto the small countertop. Immediately, Erin began unpacking the contents as he sat at the island and watched her under worried eyes. "Says she ran into Dr. Kelly over at Med."

"Oh?"

Will let the frown spread over his face as he watched her hurriedly empty the plastic shopping bags. Her hands constantly busy as her feet scurried across the room. Placed a new box of cereal in the cabinet with silent determination.

A loud groan caused her to jump slightly, but she kept her gaze fixed on the box in front of her. "Erin, that's the third appointment you've cancelled. You _cannot_ keep rescheduling this and putting it off!"

She turned her head over her shoulder. Watched as his concerned gaze fell to the countertop in front of him.

"I'm fine, Will. I've just been a little bit bu-"

"Busy?" he cut her off. Eyes returning to hers in a hard stare. "Yeah, and I get that, Erin. I really do. But this is _not_ something you can put on the back-burner until Jay gets his shit together! It's been weeks and you still haven't gone back to the doctor."

He slammed his hands down on the counter to push himself up as the wood barstool scrapped across the floor. "It doesn't matter if Jay's hunched over a bottle in the middle of some grimy bar nine drinks in, or sitting at a desk at the 21st with a badge pinned to his belt- that baby is coming, and you're gonna have to-"

"Shhh!" Erin practically screamed over to him. Her finger pressed tight to her lips with wide eyes. "Could you please keep your damn voice down, Will!"

A brittle laugh escaped him as he shook his head in response. Moved farther from the small island to pace in front of the kitchen. He let his head fall backwards as a loud sigh erupted from within. "You need to tell him."

"I know." She nodded, eyes pleading.

He shook his head back at her, eyebrows raised in silent question.

"I will, I really will." The words fell in quiet breaths as she ran a hand across her forehead. Tucked a fallen piece of hair behind her ear and willed the tears stinging her eyes not to fall.

"I just- I just really wanted it to be _Jay_ that I was telling, you know? I wanted him to want this. I thought that he would want this." She added, as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Yeah...yeah, I know." he replied, all anger void from his voice. A sad smile formed against his lips as he took a step forward.

"This is still my brother we're talking about, Erin. He's still _Jay_." he whispered as determination filled his voice and unshed tears pooled up in his eyes. The corners of his mouth tugged up a little higher as he stared back at her. "And he loves you, always has. So tell him. _Please_."

He shrugged, picking up his discarded keys off the counter before turning toward the apartment door. Took two steps forward before rotating around to face her once again. "Who knows, he might surprise you. Might surprise all of us."

Her eyes fell closed as she took in a shaky breath and listened to the sound of the apartment door click shut. Leaving her alone in the darkening room as the words bounced around her head. Tears pooled in her eyes as her mind replayed the conversation over and over. And she leaned roughly against the kitchen wall before sliding down and landing against the cool wood floor, bringing her knees to her chest as hard sobs once again broke free. Will's voice echoing through her mind. _He's still Jay. He still loves you._

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 **A/N: This is my first multi-chapter fic and it means a lot to hear that you all are liking it! I really, really appreciate hearing from everyone, and reading the reviews that you all are liking what I'm doing with this story. With that being said, I hope you liked this chapter! Let me know what you thought!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all for the reviews so far on this story! It helps so much to give me inspiration and figure out where I'm taking it. Enjoy the next chapter!**

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The muffled sound of voices bounced through his throbbing head as Jay fought his way to consciousness. Rolled roughly around the tangled sheets of the bed before slowly letting his eyes fall open. Soft light from the setting sun of the open curtain made him wince as the pounding intensified in his head and his feet swung to the floor beneath him. Each footstep made the voices slightly more recognizable as Jay reached the handle of the bedroom door. Swung it open in one quick movement to reveal a small case of déjà vu at the sight of Erin and Will once again perched around the built-in island muttering quietly between one another.

His presence went unnoticed as he took small steps forward, rubbing a tired hand against his temple to calm the thump reverberating through his skull. The sound of voices filled the large room, ringing through his mind, as he moped across the floor.

"-it's not enough, Erin! Yeah, he's here. But now what? What happens next? What do _we_ do next? We can't keep playing babysitter and taking shifts on him like he's a child." The words were harsh as Will paced around the small space in the kitchen. His eyes never leaving hers in an intensive stare-off as his voice grew louder with each question.

Erin sighed, dropping her head toward the countertop as her fingers softly drummed against the surface. "I don't know, Will. But at least he's here."

"That's not good enough!" The volume of his voice made her jump as she looked back up at him. Watched as he stopped in his tracks and rolled his eyes at her.

"It's been three days, Erin. _Three days_ and I don't know about you, but all he does when I'm here is lock himself in a room. That might make him _stay_ , but that isn't going to make him get any better."

Nodding, she plopped down at the barstool, letting out a large sigh before her head fell to her hands. "I know. So, what we're going to do is-"

"Will." Jay grumbled, nodding toward his brother as his sleep-filled voice echoed through the tension of the room.

All eyes shifted toward him before Jay took a final step into the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow in greeting to Erin before pulling out the barstool closest to the wall, leaving an empty one between the two of them. He rested his elbows against the granite counter and took in a slow, shaky breath- only adding to the constant thudding in his head. Dropping his head into his hands, he ran them cautiously through his hair.

"You do have your own apartment, you know. I'm sure Nat and Owen are pretty pissed you're spending all of your time here lately." His voice was low, but filled with sarcasm as he rubbed his fingers over his temple roughly and glared up at his brother.

Will let out a soft chuckle, turning in one quick motion to open the fridge. He let his eyes skim the contents before grabbing a bottle of water and sliding it across the counter toward Jay. "Yeah. But you need me right now, so this is where I'm going to be."

Jay grunted in response. Lifting his gaze as he watched Will's eyes skim over his features before he reached over and grabbed the bottle of water. Taking a long gulp, he let the cold water slowly trail down his throat as his mind wandered.

"So…" he mumbled, eyes traveling between Erin and Will carefully. "What do _we_ do next? What _happens_ next?" The words were mocking, no sincerity to them as his smirk met Will's unamused stare.

"What we do-" Erin started, her voice hard as she reached her hand forward. Placed it gently on top of Jay's as she curled her fingers gently around his. His whole body tensed at her touch as his eyes shifted to focus on their hands. "-what we do is we focus on moving forward."

Nodding, he let his body relax slightly as a large breath left his lips. Wary eyes meeting hers as the corner of her mouth pulled into a small smile.

"Okay." The single word came out in a whisper, so soft Will almost missed it from his spot only a few feet away.

Clapping his hands together, Will took a step closer to the pair in front of him, placing his hands down firmly on the countertop. "So it's settled! You start therapy with Dr. Charles on Monday."

Jay shook his head quickly, sweeping his hand from beneath Erin's in one solid movement. "No," he responded as a bitter laugh escaped his lips, "No, no, no. I didn't agree to that."

Will smirked in reply, moving his hands to rest on his hips as he glared over at his brother. "You didn't have to agree to it. I set it up for you, all you have to do is show up."

Rising from his seat, the stool skidded roughly across the ground as Jay let out a large groan, swinging his hands up in frustration as he took a step away from the kitchen. He started moving back toward the bedroom before turning around once again. Cold eyes meeting Will's hard stare. "That's not happening, Will."

Will narrowed his eyes as he took a large step forward. " _Two_ options, Jay." he said through gritted teeth, "Get your shit together at home, or you can go back to the hospital and do it there. I'm not just going to let you sit on your ass drowning in self-pity for the rest of your life! I thought you made your choice, but if you want to go back, I have no problem taking you there-"

"Fuck you, Will." Jay spat out.

Turning once again, he took another step toward the bedroom before a soft hand wrapped around his wrist. Warm fingertips brushing against his clammy skin in a comforting and familiar way that instantly stilled his movements as his head swung back around. Eyes locked with her pleading face as his chest rose timidly.

"Jay." The single word left her lips in a whisper. It floated between the two of them as his body shifted to face hers and his eyes softened.

"Go see Dr. Charles." She pleaded.

Instantly, he shook his head as his shoulders dropped and brows scrunched together in disappointment. In _betrayal_ , at the fact that she was once again taking Will's side over his and claiming it was for his own good. "Erin-"

"Go see Dr. Charles." She repeated firmly, eyes locked on his as her fingers lightly danced around the exposed skin of his wrist. " _Please_. I promise you it will help- just one session. If you hate it, we will try something else. But I need you here, Jay. I _really_ need you to get better. _Please_."

The words sunk into his mind. Danced around his head as her eyes pleaded with his. She was not one openly share her feelings- and she had been doing a lot of that lately. All because of the fact that he was unable to even try to find the shattered pieces of himself. Let alone attempt to piece them back together.

As he thought about her request, he thought about what sessions with Dr. Charles would be like- what session with a _psychiatrist_ would be like. Prodding and probing for the most delicate information in his life. The most intricate details and his most private thoughts. _Could he handle that? Did he even want to try?_

And then his eyes landed on her face once again. The tired, dark purple bags under her eyes. The same ones that had been there the since she had come looking for him in the bar that night. The red rim around her eyes and glaze hazing over the warm hazel he was so used to seeing. She looked exhausted, worn to her core as every move she had made over the past few weeks- the past two months- had been to try to keep him grounded. And he had pushed her attempts away at every chance. Every time she reached out, he retreated further and further away from her.

Swallowing, he took in a shaky breath. Nodded as he watched her bleak expression skim over his features, searching him for some assurance. He let his eyes fall closed for a moment before softly speaking into the space between them, "I'll go."

Her eyes met his, and he gave another solid nod. A ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he watched the hope fill her eyes. "I'll go see Dr. Charles."

Erin sighed as relief washed over her body- her gaze locked on his, silently thanking him for finally making a step forward. Giving a reassuring squeeze to his hand, she dropped her hold on his arm. Ran a slow hand through her hair as Will stepped forward. Gripping onto his brother's shoulder, Will gave them a nod of support before letting them know he needed to head to Med, and to call if they needed anything. Jay watched as Erin walked Will out, thanking him for helping out the past few weeks. Silently, she moved into the kitchen, her feet dragging beneath her. Eyes locked on cabinets as she got to work cleaning up the small space. Washing dishes and cleaning pans to keep her mind from wandering further into the conversation- to keep herself from pushing too far too quickly.

"Erin-"

"I hated sessions at first, you know." She reminded him as she began mindlessly scrubbing at a plate. "I thought they were pointless and seeing Dr. Charles wasn't going to help me. It wouldn't bring Nadia back anyways. It wouldn't change what happened with her."

Bringing up Nadia still wasn't something Erin did frequently, and it caught Jay off guard as he watched her. "I know."

She stilled, setting the plate down roughly before turning to meet his gaze, "I guess what I'm getting at is, he really helped. He still does. So don't go in there just because you think it's what I want from you. Or because you think it will make me happy. _Really_ do it for you."

Sighing, Jay nodded. "Okay."

"And if you go, and it honestly doesn't help you, then we can try something different. But you need to actually talk to someone, Jay. At this point I don't care who it is, but I've tried, so has Will-"

"Okay, Erin!" he said, annoyance filling his voice. "I'll go to sessions, it's really not that big of a big deal."

Erin scoffed. "It actually is a big deal. You can't keep avoiding it!" Inhaling sharply, she took quick steps forward, meeting him at the entrance to the kitchen. "Look, I know I wasn't there that night. So maybe that's why you can't talk about it with me. But maybe it isn't such a bad idea if you try to talk to Ruzek."

"Erin…" He warned, voice low.

"He was asking how you were the other day," she pressed, taking another step forward as her eyes met his. "He's worried about you, Jay. Maybe…maybe you should actually try talking to him."

Jay crossed his arms defiantly and a loud grunt left his lips as he spoke through gritted teeth. "I don't _need_ to talk to Ruzek. I'm fine, Erin. I'll go see Dr. Charles, just leave it at that."

"Okay," she nodded uneasily, "But I don't think it would hurt you either. He doesn't have anyone to talk to either. Just- just try to remember you're not alone in this."

Laughing bitterly, his eyes widened as he tried to process her words. Sure, Ruzek may have been there that night. But that only reminded him that he couldn't save him either. If the ambulance had been one minute later, another person would have died _because_ of him.

Feeling the tightening in his chest, Jay took in a deep breath. Memories invading his vision as the sounds of bullets ricocheted through his skull. His breaths became shallow as the memories of that night became more vivid, the sounds of screaming echoing around his mind. _He needed to get out_. Crossing the room in one quick motion, Jay grabbed his coat off the back of the couch, shoveling it on before storming toward the door.

"Jay? Jay!?"

A brittle chuckle escaped his lips as anger rose from within, billowed out as his chest tightened further before he swung around to face her. "I keep asking you not to talk about it. To let it go and move on! But you won't. How am I supposed to move past this if every conversation we have leads me right back to that night, Erin?"

Panic filled her as she listened to the anger rise at each word that left his lips. Watched as his face paled and eyes darkened. "Jay-"

"NO. No, I don't want to talk about Ruzek, I don't want to go see him. This isn't the same for him and you know it." He screamed, eyes hard as he took another step toward the door. Gripped the handle roughly before meeting her glossy eyes once again. "I'll go see Dr. Charles like you want me to. Like you've asked me to, if you'll just leave me the fuck alone. I'm done talking about it with you. I'm done!"

Taking another step toward him, Erin swallowed roughly. Willing the tears in as she tried to keep her voice steady. Tried to stay calm as the knot in her chest tightened and her heart pounded quickly, echoing through her mind. "Where are you going?"

He whipped around, a hollow laugh leaving his lips as his cold eyes met hers. "I don't know, Erin! A walk? I didn't realize I was being held prisoner in my own damn house!"

"Wait, please just-"

"Stop! Maybe- maybe this wasn't a good idea." He exhaled roughly, running a hand through his hair before turning back toward the door. "I- I just...I need some time to think. I need some air."

 _I need some air_. Memories flashed through her, surged into her conciseness as those familiar words mocked her _._ The same words he had spoken on a night that she'd rather forget, a night she'd rather pretend never existed. Air had turned into worry and worry had turned to panic. Turned to her pacing their apartment for hours, phone constantly redialing his number- only to be disconnected after the first ring. No voicemail, no promising words, _no Jay_.

 _I need some air_. Those words taunted her as hard sobs shook through her night after night. Left broken pieces of her fighting, struggling to find the lost remnants of her fiancé as she searched and pleaded with him to come home for weeks.

Taking in a shallow breath, her heart pounded and mind raced as she watched Jay take a final step forward. Watched as he unlocked the deadbolt of the apartment door.

"Jay-"

He paused, fingers curling around the doorknob as she blurted out, "I'm pregnant!" Her eyes widened as her jaw dropped at the realization of what she had just said.

The air felt thick and dry as Jay's body turned rigid, his fingers stilling against the doorknob. The words hung in the air between them, swirling around- filling his lungs as he took in a large, shaky breath. Body rising and falling unevenly as his hand fell limply to his side.

And slowly, he turned. Wide, glossy eyes meting her terrified expression. " _What_?" The word was just above a whisper, choked out as he attempted to swallow the lump forming in his throat.

Her eyes fell shut, inhaling sharply as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. Swallowed through her dry throat as her gaze met his once again.

"I'm pregnant." She repeated the words fearfully, taking a small step toward him as her eyes pleaded.

"So if you can't stay for you- if you can't do this for you- I _need_ you to do it for me. For _us_. Please, Jay." Her hand unintentionally fell to rest on the small swell of her abdomen, reassuring herself that this was what needed to be done.

A shaky breath left his lips as Jay shook his head in shock. Eyes wide as comprehension and panic set in. "You- you're _pregnant_?"

Nodding, Erin took another step forward, inching herself closer to him. Chest tight as a quiet sob escaped her lips and tears fell down her face. Cascading down as a surge of emotions rushed through her. _Anger_ toward her fiancé for making her go through this alone for weeks. _Fear_ that she had just pushed him too far- that this would be something that he was in no way capable of handling right now, and in no way would he want to. _Relief_ that the person who had her entire heart finally knew that they had forever created something together- _someone_ with his piercing eyes and freckled nose. _Hope_ that maybe there was some possibility that, with some time, she would see that glint in eye when realization hit that they were starting the family he was always so optimistic about.

Taking another step forward, Erin stood chest- to- chest against him. Feeling the sharp breath radiate off his chest as it bounced against her own. She tilted her chin up, hesitant gaze meeting Jay's glossy eyes. Watched as his eyebrows knitted and he bit helplessly at the soft skin of his upper lip before a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Please, Jay. _Please_ stay."

And with that, she inched herself farther forward. Uncontrollable sobs shaking through her body as she held onto hope. As she wrapped her arms tightly around his body and buried her face in the familiarity of his chest. The overpowering scent of him surging into her airwaves as tears pooled endlessly down her face.

"I need you here. I know this is a lot, but I just thought you should know. I- I just thought you might be happy about this." Her voice was soft as she mumbled against the dark cotton of his shirt. Words barley audible over the sound of his own heartbeat and her muffled sobs. "This is _our_ family. Please stay."

His body stiffened at her touch as wide, glossy eyes stared down at her frame. Tears of his own breaking free- falling hastily down his cheeks as he breathed in her familiar scent. Body shaking as he nodded against her. " _Okay_."

And then his arms wrapped tightly around her as her sobs intensified at the feel of his touch. At the feel of his reassurance. At the feel of _Jay_. "It's okay, Erin." he spoke against her hair as tears rolled down his face. "I'm not going anywhere."

Pulling back slightly, Jay lightly brushed the tears from Erin's cheek. Fingers softly trailing her skin before he gently guided her face to look up toward him. Silent tears fell down her face as her glossy eyes met his. A small smile formed on his lips as he nodded once again. "I'm not going anywhere." he repeated firmly, wrapping his arms around her small frame as she clutched onto him.

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 **A/N: Here we are- finally making a little progress with Jay. I'll be focussing more on the events of what happened to get him to the point he was at when the story started as he works on getting through everything. Let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi all! Thanks so much for the reviews. Also, for the couple of you that had asked about Jay cheating, he never did. Chapter 3's following of him with the lady at the bar is how he would have acted with any women. Just really wanted to clear that up if anyone was worried. Anyways, enjoy!**

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Time seemed to be nonexistent. Moving neither forward or backwards. Stuck specifically between 10:00am and 11:00am as Jay stared aimlessly at the beige walls in Dr. Charles' room. Sessions were like hell on earth and he refused to speak besides the brief 'hello' and 'goodbye' that were offered when he came in for his appointments.

His eyes scanned over the walls repeatedly, memorizing every word on the pages posted up inside each of the framed certificates. Ignoring the gaze of the psychiatrist seated in front of him, he let the bounce of his knee and the dreary look in his eye signify that there was no chance he was talking—not today. As he let out a deep breath, his head fell against the cool leather back of the couch and his eyes drifted closed. Replaying memories of the conversation that got him here in the first place. The reason he refused to keep running. The reason he stayed in the apartment—stayed at home—instead of leaving once again to forget everyone and everything.

 _Erin. The baby—their baby._

A topic that was somehow undiscussed after the initial reveal three days ago. She had spent that night sobbing and he had spent the night reassuring her that he was going to stay— no more running, no more avoiding everything. Told her he was actually going to start sessions—and somehow Will had even managed to get him in with Dr. Charles the following day. But every time a serious discussion about the baby was started, it ended just as quick. Three days and two sessions later, they were no closer to discussing anything that had happened that night. No closer to discussing anything that would happen in the future.

A deep groan erupted from his chest. Reverberated through his throat as his eyes scanned over the clock once again. The small hand slowly creeping closer and closer to the next hour.

"You know; time wouldn't seem so to go by so slowly if you spoke." Dr. Charles said, his voice calm and soft as a smile played on his lips.

Jay shrugged, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as he crossed his arms timidly. "And what would we talk about?"

"Anything really. Let's start small, tell me something you did yesterday. Something that made you happy."

His brows furrowed in response as he eyed the time once again. _Ten more minutes._ Inhaling a sharp breath, he slowly exhaled. He knew there was no way to ignore the question, but he honestly didn't have an answer. Something that made him happy? Yesterday was spent with Will "not babysitting" him while Erin was at the district and then Erin "not babysitting" him when Will was at the hospital. This had become routine for them the past week, and it made him want to slowly rip his hair out. Each time they asked him how he was—each time they stared while they thought he wasn't paying attention, he just got more and more pissed off.

"Jay?"

He sighed, rubbing his hand across his forehead as he thought. "I don't know."

A raised eyebrow from Dr. Charles made Jay roll his eyes in response and shake his head. "I honestly don't know. Lately it's all been pretty rough."

"Fair enough." The doctor agreed, nodding over to Jay. His eyes drifted down to his watch and then back to the man sitting in front of him. "So when I see you Monday, I want you to be able to tell me something that has made you happy since today. Something— anything, that has genuinely brought you joy."

Jay nodded, standing from his spot on the sofa as he titled his head toward the door, eyebrow raised. Dr. Charles gave a silent nod in understanding before Jay turned and walked out of the small room. Took two steps into the waiting room before he was met with Erin's familiar gaze. Immediately she rose from her seat, walking to meet him as he took quick steps out into the hospital hallway.

"So…" Erin started as her gaze briefly traveled over to his before looking back toward the hall. And Jay exhaled loudly in return. "How did it go?"

The simple question made him roll his eyes, shrugging it off without a single word as he walked silently toward the elevator. Erin's eyes occasionally traveled over to study his face as they stood in silence, and then walked side by side out to the car.

As the car pulled out into busy lunch traffic, Erin's gaze traveled from the road to Jay and back again. Sighing, she focused back on the road. The annoyance in her voice evident as she spoke, "You never did answer my question."

He exhaled roughly before nodding in response as his gaze traveled over to her. Watched as she narrowed her eyes toward him before he rolled his eyes in irritation.

"How did it go?" she repeated firmly.

"It was fine, Erin. I'm fine. Drop it."

Jay was met with the sound of deep, hollow chuckling filling the small interior of the car. A noise he was used to only hearing inside of the district, during interrogations, throughout intense cases. Slamming on the breaks, Erin's hard eyes watched as Jay braced his hands on the dash at the abrupt stop, and her lips fell in a flat line as the sound of cars honking and horns blaring filled his ears as traffic zoomed around them.

Gaining some of his composure, Jay's eyes widened in shock before scanning his surroundings. Watching as cars passed and angry drivers looked in as realization hit that were stopped in the middle of the street in downtown traffic before turning his attention towards Erin. "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Have you lost your damn mind?"

"Me!? _I've_ lost my mind?" Erin chuckled once again as her grip tightened around the steering wheel. "I try so hard to have a decent conversation with you, Jay. To actually get you to speak to me. I thought we were making at least a little progress here. I thought the other night meant we were getting somewhere!"

Taking in a deep breath her eyes met his once again as her voice grew harsher. "But _no_ , no apparently I was wrong. Because every time I ask how you are, if you're okay—hell if you've had a nice nap, it's the same damn answer! _It was fine. I'm fine_. FINE!"

Her voice rose as the words rapidly spilled from her mouth, chest heaving as anger billowed out of her. Leaving Jay to watch, mouth agape as her volume increased. "Erin—"

"NO! No, Jay. You wanna say you're good? _Good_. You wanna say you're great? _Great_! You wanna say these sessions are the worst hour of your whole fucking life? _Awesome_! But, don't you dare sit there and tell me it was fine. That _you're_ fine. Just—just don't."

Nodding slowly, Jay swallowed roughly as he processed her words. Brows furrowing as he stared down at her white knuckles gripped around the steering wheel as her gaze shifted to the traffic beyond the windshield. "Okay...okay."

The softness of his voice caught her attention and shifted her back to look toward him, her own brow raised in question. Clearing his throat, he met her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just—I want to be fine...to just move past this. And I…I just keep trying. So I guess it's easier to pretend that I already am, that everything's the same…that he's not—" the shrug of his should finished the sentence as he trailed off. Guided his attention back toward the passenger side window and pressed his face against the condensation forming against the chilled glass.

"I'm not fine." The words were whispered, cracking over each syllable as he mumbled into the glass before letting his eyes fall shut.

Erin nodded as she scanned over him and a small understanding smile fell onto her lips. "I know, Jay." Slowly she reached her hand over the middle council and rested her fingers over the denim covering his thigh, a gentle reminder that he wasn't alone. That she wasn't giving up—that she never had, and she never would.

The rest of the car ride was a blur as Erin followed the heavy flow of traffic back towards their apartment. Her eyes occasionally drifting from the road to Jay as she watched his intense gaze out the window. And before she knew it, she was once again leading the way up to their fourth floor apartment and stepping inside. Watching as Jay all-but-dragged himself across the floor to sit on the couch. Head resting against the pillowed back as his eyes scanned carefully over her as she removed her coat.

His gaze stayed transfixed on her fingers absentmindedly tracing the logo printed over the abdomen of her shirt as a large groan left her lips. "You okay?"

"Huh?" She met his concerned gaze in confusion as he dipped his head toward her. Nodded in silent question toward the small bump her hand had stilled over.

"Are you alright? Is everything okay?" he reiterated, tone cautious.

A small smirk passed across her lips as her hand once again sketched random patterns across her stomach. She looked down—eyeing her own movements in understanding before lifting her head once again to meet his watching eyes. Giving him one soft nod, she let the smirk grow into a full-on smile. "Yeah, yeah. I'm good."

He let out a large breath, body leaning into the cushion further as he relaxed at her words. "Erin –"

"I'm gonna take a quick shower." Her nervous smile scanned over Jay's face as she watched his eyes fall closed. "Try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone" she added, voice teasing but laced with unspoken fear.

His eyes immediately shot up as he opened his mouth to form some quick reply, but was immediately cut off by a small quirk of Erin's eyebrow and smirk planted across her lips. Shaking his head, Jay relaxed once again into the cushion as the muffled sound of the shower started behind him. Let his eyes drift slowly closed as he replayed the events of the session in his mind and the sound of the droplets guided him into a well-needed slumber.

 _His feet pounded forward, the hard cement digging into the soles of his shoes as the weight of the night's events tightened in on his chest. Breaths became labored with each step as he paced the entrance to the Emergency Department. Avoided the commotion around him as ambulances raced by, the muffled voices mixing around his mind with the ones replaying over and over from the past few hours._

 _His hand—still covered in dried blood—shook uncontrollably as he reached out to rake through his hair roughly as another tear slid down his face. Mixing effortlessly with the pool of them cascading down his cheeks. And then, his fingers stilled once again in front of his face as he examined it. Trembling hand slightly unfocused under his blurry gaze. But the crimson color pierced his eyes, making another loud sob echo through his chest as his knees buckled beneath him. As his legs went weak as hard sobs shuddered through his body and he crumpled to a heaping mess against the solid brick of the hospital entrance._

 _He sat, face buried deep within his knees as he curled himself into a tight ball, body shaking as the visions replayed through his mind. Bullets ricocheting through his brain as muffled sobs escaped his lips. Piercing crimson taunting him through his clenched eyelids as the overwhelming scent of iron filed his nostrils and invaded his mind. Until he felt the soft grip of a familiar hand around his head. Pulling his face against the warm embrace of her chest as he continued to replay the images over and over again. Hard sobs retching through him as Erin's grip around him increased and her soft voice fought to reach his ears._

 _They stayed like that—her gripping onto him, trying to ground him while he fought the images surging through him until muffled voices sounded over him, and Erin loosened her hold. Slowly standing as she brought him to his feet as well. Guiding him back inside, back toward everything—everyone._

 _He kept his eyes down, avoiding the weary eyes of the rest of the unit as they awaited the same news. As they sat silently praying for an outcome Jay knew was impossible to obtain. He swallowed roughly, taking a deep breath as he stepped into the waiting room. As familiar eyes landed on his in silent sympathy._

 _Anger built up inside of him as he observed their looks. As he watched their compassionate gazes as he stood there—completely unscathed. While two of their own were fighting for their lives because of him._

 _Taking another deep breath, he inched forward. His eyes landed on those of his brother and then of Dr. Rhodes._

 _Will took a cautious step forward as he turned away from the conversation with Connor. And then another step as he placed a gentle hand on Jay's shoulder before tightening his grip. Squeezing it for support before speaking. "Jay, why don't we sit down."_

" _I think I'll stand." Jay shot back, quickly brushing off the comforting hand as he stepped backward. Breath shaky as his eyes hardened, desperately trying to conceal the tears threatening once again to escape._

 _Will shook his head, eyes already bloodshot and glossy as he inched forward. "Jay, I really think-"_

" _Will!" he seethed, making Will drop his hand to his side once again. Jay's eyes turned toward Dr. Rhodes, pleading._

" _How is he?" The words came out rigid and hoarse as his breath caught in his throat._

 _His eyes traveled from Will to Connor and back again as his chest tightened. Each breath causing more panic to build up inside of him. Each moment passing seeming like a lifetime. He let out a shallow breath, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread as his eyes filled with tears. As he watched Will steal a quick glance at Connor before nodding toward Erin._

 _Jay felt the hand on his back. The warm graze of her fingertips gripping onto him through his t-shirt, but it felt as though she was slipping by. As her fingers tightened around him, voices started to be heard around him. The muffled sounds came through his mind, spinning around his brain. Filling every inch of him as he breathed in Dr. Rhodes' voice._

" _The bullet severed the subclavian vein. Emergency surgery was to try and repair the rupture. Unfortunately, Greg lost a lot of blood before he was brought in due to the bullet getting lodged in the jugular so_ —"

 _"So what are you saying?" he croaked, voice barley audible above the sound of his thudding heart. He felt his knees go weak once again, dread building up as his chest tightened. The lump in his throat building as he took in a shallow breath, trying to will the sobs back as tears began to fall._

 _Rhodes took another small step forward before Will cut him off. Voice low and sincere as he swallowed and breathed through the knot forming in his own chest, as he spoke, voice cracking, "Jay, I...I'm so sorry. Mouse— Mouse didn't make it."_

Panic shot through him as Jay flew into a sitting position. Sweat pooling down his forehead and dripping off him as he desperately tried to catch the air seeping out of his lungs. Each inhale shallower than the one before. Each exhale feeling like small needles piercing into him. Eyes wide and glossy as they tried frantically to fight their way back to the present.

A loud thudding at the door made his head swing rapidly behind him. And he willed the air to fill his lungs as he took another frantic breath. As his eyes surveyed their surroundings and his ears captured the sound of the still-running water from the shower in the bathroom.

Pounding at the door matched the pounding of his heart as he rose cautiously from the couch. Took hurried strides across the room as he swallowed—once, twice—roughly, before taking another shaky breath in. His clammy hand gripping onto the door handle before swinging it open roughly.

"Jay?"

A firm hand grasped onto his shoulder. Familiar, gravely voice booming into his ears, but it sounded faint—far off, as he attempted another breath and his body doubled over as he fought for air.

"Jay? Are you alright? Where's Erin? Jay!?"

The grip tightened around his shoulder. His body shaking under the touch as his eyes rose. Trying to focus in on the man standing in front of him. His vision was blurred and clouded as breaths rapidly shot through his chest. He felt himself being moved— feet dragging against the cool wood as his body fought against the change. The soft cushion of the couch once again beneath him as he desperately sought out a deep breath. Tried to fill his lungs with enough oxygen to still his trembling form as black dots clouded his vision further.

 _Mouse didn't make it._

A water bottle came into his line of sight and Jay instinctively reached out his hand. Tightly gripped onto it as he brought it to his lips to quickly gulp down the cool liquid, sucking down all the water his body would allow. After a few moments, he let the water slowly fall down his throat, taking short timid breaths before releasing his hold.

He shut his eyes tightly as the air finally filled his lungs and greedily absorbed all of the oxygen that he could take in before finally exhaling and opening his eyes.

He was met with the wide, worried gaze of Hank Voight. Perched at the edge of the coffee table inches away, hands clasped tightly together. Jay let in another slow breath as he ran a hand across his sticky forehead and through his messy hair.

"Wanna tell me what the hell just happened?" Hank asked warily, eyes scanning Jay's face.

Jay's head fell into his hands as a loud groan erupted through his chest. Leaning back against the cushion of the couch, he lifted his head once again. "Not really."

"Jay-"

Quickly putting out his hand, Jay shook his head, effectively cutting off Voight's words. "I'm fine" he shot out.

And then he stilled. Hands falling loosely to his sides as he mulled over the single word— _fine_. Replaying the earlier conversation over and over in his head. And although Erin wasn't around, he felt the urge to clarify, to stop the use of the word that meant absolutely nothing. The word that was a quick excuse to forgo feelings and hide behind empty promises. Sighing, Jay brought up a hand to brush across the short stubble on his chin. Avoiding the watchful eyes in front of him. "I _will_ be fine. I'm okay, Hank. Just...a, uhh...bad dream."

Seeming to accept his answer, and not wanting to push any further than necessary, Hank gave a short nod. His eyes scanned around the empty apartment before landing on the open bedroom door and hearing the soft sound of running water. A small grunt reverberated from his throat before he looked back toward Jay. "How're you doing with everything else?"

"I— I'm getting better." He answered honestly, eyes falling to the liquid in the water bottle clenched in his hands.

"Good. You had us worried there for a bit." The words were sincere as a small smile spread over Hank's face. Yes, he was pissed at Jay for his reaction to everything that had happened the last two months, for pushing away the pain instead of dealing with it head on. But bringing it up now—when Jay was finally home and just begging to make progress—was not something he was about to do.

He watched as Jay nodded in understanding before he sighed, "Look, just know I'm here if ya need me. We all are, you don't have to put this all on your shoulders. Or put it all on Erin. Let us help you—"

The shuffling of feet across the floorboards shifted both men's attention to the open bedroom door. Left both of them to watch as Erin hurriedly walked into the living room. Wet hair dripping onto the fabric of an oversized t-shirt that fell below the length of her workout shorts.

Her eyes widened in shock as she registered the presence of another figure in their living room. "Hank—I, uhm. I wasn't expecting you."

She quickly moved back towards the bedroom, mumbling something about changing into something more appropriate before being cut off by Hank's gravelly voice. "No, no I was just heading out."

Erin's brows knitted in confusion as her eyes traveled to watch Jay take slow gulps of water before she nodded slowly, following Hank toward the door. Smiling, he turned from the door, gripping her shoulder supportively before pulling her into a tight hug. "I'm proud of ya, kid." Pulling back, he looked at her, eyes serious. "You call me if ya need anything, got it?"

Nodding, Erin smiled at the warmth of his embrace, "I will Hank, thanks."

And with that, she watched as he dipped his head before taking quick steps down the long hall of the apartment building. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door shut with a light click as she turned back towards the living room. Watched Jay, sprawled out once again over the length of the couch, breaths even as he slept. She debated only for a moment on whether to wake him before noticing the soft smile planted against his lips, and instead covered him with a soft throw blanket before heading towards bedroom. Before picking up her phone and finally making a call for an appointment that was long overdue and way past necessary as her hand fell to rest casually on the small bump of her stomach.

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 **Thank you all so much for following this story so far! I really love all of your reviews and hope you are liking where it's heading :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey all! I'm so sorry this chapter took longer to get up than usual! I moved across the country a few months back and the change is really catching up to me right now. Hopefully I'll be updating the next chapter sooner, it was just hard to sit down and clear my brain enough to write. Anyways, enjoy!**

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The gel was shockingly cold against her skin and Erin winced against the touch. Winced further as the chilled touch of the transducer spread the gel evenly over her bare abdomen. Her left eye—squinted tightly closed—peaked open to steal a glance at the ultrasound technician, Nancy, or so the nametag claimed.

When she had finally called for the appointment last Friday she wasn't expecting them to want to see her first thing Monday morning. She also wasn't expecting them to be so worried over the fact that she was calling to schedule an appoint when she had canceled all of her previous ones. And she definitely wasn't expecting Dr. Kelly to get called into an emergency C-section ten minutes before she arrived when she was promised the appointment would be with _her_ doctor.

The over-powering sound of thudding broke her thoughts as the waves pulsated through her mind. The steady sound of beating whooshed around her as she tried to match her breathing to that of the quick pitch of the machine.

"Alright, mama." The technician's overly excited voice piped in as she swirled the gel softly over Erin's lower abdomen. "Here it is." A wide-toothed smile spread quickly across her face as she watched Erin slowly open both her eyes.

Blowing out a large breath, Erin's gaze traveled to the small screen and she couldn't help the gasp that escaped her as she took in the sight in front of her. "That…that's it?"

A soft chuckle sounded from Nancy as she smiled once again. Nodding, she gently rolled the transducer slightly lower on Erin's abdomen. "A lot of women are surprised by how it looks the first time —" The fingers of her free hand quickly moved toward the screen, tracing the outline that could be seen in the ultrasound image. "— but there's your baby, right there." The smile grew on Nancy's face as she pointed at the screen and then looked back toward Erin, gaging her reaction.

Erin opened her mouth as if to speak but shut it just as quickly as her eyes stayed fixed on the screen, watching closely as the small black and grey image moved and came in and out of focus. Nancy's words getting lost as Erin tried to decipher small hands and feet within the image as a small grin formed on her own lips.

"Wow," she managed to gasp out as Nancy began to wipe the gel from her abdomen. She quickly readjusted her clothes as Nancy put away the equipment. Erin watched in silence as her fingers skimmed over the cotton of her t-shirt, the residue of the gel sticking the fabric to her skin as she rested her hand. A large smile spread across her face as she thought about the growing bump beneath her hand. Although it was still unnoticeable to the naked eye, it was already a perfect mix of her and Jay that had her whole heart.

"Based on the ultrasound and the information you gave me; your estimated date of delivery is May 7th."

Erin's eyes shot up to meet Nancy's as she calculated the date. Her eyes widened further as realization hit. "Are...are you sure?" she choked out after a moment.

Chuckling softly, Nancy nodded a reply. "Yes ma'am, that'll put you at about thirteen weeks. Looks like you were lucky enough to skip through your first trimester without any severe morning sickness. But that also means you skipped over a vital part of the baby's development, so it's essential for you to start taking prenatal vitamins and schedule monthly appointments for the remainder of your pregnancy."

Erin nodded as Nancy continued talking at a quick pace, briefly mentioning some pamphlets and book recommendations as she gathered a large blue folder filled with information regarding pregnancy do's and don'ts. An overwhelming sensation rushed over Erin as she tried to absorb all of the information being thrown at her.

"I also took the liberty to print off a couple copies of the ultrasound for you," Nancy added, "and since this is your first baby I can also recommend some classes for you to take. Any questions?"

The toothy smile on Nancy's face made Erin want to scream as she stared wide-eyed at the ultrasound technician. At this point, everything was a question—all of it so new and foreign—and it made her want to curl into a ball as her heart rate quickened. She managed a small shake of her head as an answer as she moved into a sitting position.

"Oh yeah, and I know you mentioned you were a detective. You may want to consider a lighter work load for the remainder of your pregnancy. It can be something you discuss further with Dr. Kelly, but I would not recommend continuing out in the field until after the baby is born."

Erin nodded her head as she began walking towards the door, a tight-lipped smile on her face. "Right. I'll figure it out, thanks."

"Well it was very nice meeting you, Erin." Nancy said as she passed the large folder of baby information over to her. "Maybe next time your fiancé can join us." she added, eyes bright with excitement.

Erin's brows scrunched together at the comment. Not once had she mentioned Jay or anything about him during the whole appointment and she briefly wondered how this lady had even known she had a fiancé. And then she followed Nancy's eye line to her outstretched hand as she grabbed the folder, and the small diamond noticeable on her ring finger. Sighing, Erin forced a smile on her face. "Yeah, maybe next time."

As she made her way back toward the check-out desk, Erin gripped the papers tight between her hand. New information swirling through her brain at a rapid pace. She quickly made her next appointment before following the long hospital hallways down busy corridors and nurse's stations leading her towards her destination.

Taking a seat in the psychiatry waiting room, Erin's fingers skimmed timidly over the black and grey image in her hand. She couldn't help the overwhelming tightening in her chest as her eyes focused in on the outline of a small head as her fingers stilled over the picture. _Thirteen_ _weeks_. The realization made Erin's eyes well with tears as she took in a shaky breath. _How had she gone so long without noticing?_ She knew weeks had passed since she found out, and she had been putting off appointments every chance she got. Even with Will's constant worry, she still had refused to go in for an appointment, but she never imagined she was already so far along.

Erin let her eyes fall closed as she thought back to the day she realized she was pregnant. Memories of Hanks' worried gaze and the unit's prolonged stares mixing with her tired, bloodshot eyes. A mix of sleep deprivation and an uncommon spout of nausea sending her home only hours into a busy case. Sent her straight into panic as she tried to calm her shaking body, as she tried to will time to speed up and slow down simultaneously during the three-minute time frame that would determine the rest of her life.

 _Her breathing was erratic and shallow. One hand firmly grasping onto the vanity as wide eyes stared at the small white stick grasped firmly in her grip. The sign almost unreadable through blurry eyes and hazy vision as she tried to keep the tears from flowing. The thudding in her heart beat rapidly through her ears. Pounding through her skull._

 _How could this have happened? Yesterday, this was just a stomach bug. Yesterday, this was just her feeling a little uneasy, getting slightly nauseous around the overwhelming smell of food reeking though the bullpen. Yesterday, this was just her realizing that she was late. And she was never late._

 _The thudding of her heart crashed through her ears, pounding at a rapid pace as it intensified. And then mixed with a far-off thudding—one coming from outside of the bathroom. Outside of her inner turmoil—the sound of a fist rapping quickly against the hard oak of the front door to her apartment._

" _Erin! Hey, I know you're in there."_

 _Shit._

 _Taking a few more breaths, she steadied her rapid breathing as her head swung around the small bathroom. Eyes landing on the white, plush robe hanging from the back of the door before quickly swinging it on to conceal herself further as irrational fears started to buildup inside. A challenge given the fact that her left hand seemed to be permanently glued to the white stick that was still clenched in her grip. Taking quick strides, she made it halfway across the living room—the thudding at the door intensifying—before realization hit. Her gaze traveled toward her hand before she shoved the test deep within the confines of the fluffy pocket of the robe—finally loosening her grip as blood traveled back through her fingertips._

 _Her grip found solace in the door handle as she swung it open. And then she swallowed roughly as she met familiar blue eyes. "Hey, Will. What's up?_

 _Pushing past her, he took quick strides inside, surveying the surroundings quickly before turning around and noting Erin's appearance. His eyes widened in surprise. "Uhm. Yeah, hi. Voight actually called—" A groan from Erin made him roll his eyes before continuing. "—said you left early today. Food poisoning? He wanted me to check on you."_

 _A humorous chuckle left her lips just as Erin crossed her arms. "Oh he did, did he? Well, I'm fine. Thanks."_

 _Will's eyes traveled cautiously up her body, focusing in on her hollow cheekbones. The harsh, stark-white of her usual ivory colored skin. Sweat building at her hairline noticeable as her hair was piled in an unusual high-bun on top of her head. He sighed. "Erin, it's just me here. Tell me how you're actually doing."_

" _I'm fine." She repeated firmly._

 _A brittle laugh escaped Will's lips in return. "Oh really? Fine? Fine like Jay said he was thousands of times? We all know how well that one turned out, Erin!"_

 _Erin's eyes darted to the floor as her feet began to move beneath her. Taking quick strides back and forth across the small open space on the living room. She swallowed, eyes traveling up to meet Will's awaiting stare. "What do you want from me here, Will?"_

" _I just want you to talk to me. Let someone in. You need to talk, and I'm here for you."_

 _A loud groan erupted as Erin plopped down on the couch, eyes hard. "So what if I'm not fine, Will? What then? My fiancé is completely falling apart. The guilt is eating him alive. He won't listen to a damn thing I have to say. Won't let me help him at all. He's shut down completely. And now he just took off and left. God knows where he is or what he's doing! Why would I be fine? Why would any of that be fucking fine?"_

 _She wasn't sure when the tears started flowing, or at what point in her rant Will sat down beside her. Wrapped a cautious arm around her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her as her anger and frustration rose, but it did nothing to calm her shaking body. Taking a few deep breaths, she steadied her breathing before rubbing her hands across her cheeks, sniffing back any lingering feelings before shifting out of Will's gentle hold._

" _You can go now. I'm good, Will. I don't need a babysitter, I'm a big girl." She affirmed._

 _Will nodded. "Okay. But you obviously aren't okay health-wise. And as a medical professional I can't leave you here like this. Plus, Voight would kill me." He added, a slight smirk on his lips. "So let me check you out real fast."_

" _That's really not necessary."_

" _It is." He said, grabbing the medical bag he placed next to the couch and setting it between the two of them. "I need your arm to check your blood pressure."_

" _Will-"_

 _Shaking his head, Will glared over at her. "Now, Erin."_

 _Rolling her eyes, Erin let in a shaky breath before nodding. She quickly unknotted the tie of her robe and shrugged herself out of it. Unsure if the tremble of her body was caused by the cool air touching her newly-exposed skin in her tank top and gym shorts, or the nerves whirling through her body._

" _Okay, good." He smiled in victory as his gaze fell to the bag and he searched through his medical equipment. And then his eyes widened—jaw agape as they traveled to the couch beside Erin. To the discarded robe and the small white stick that had fallen onto the plush cushion from its location deep within the fuzzy pocket._

 _Erin sent him a questioning look, following his gaze before her eyes landed on the object. Heart rate instantly spiking as shallow breaths caught in her throat._

" _Will—" She pleaded, voice low and raspy._

 _His eyes stayed locked on the test—unmoving, unblinking, before he swallowed roughly. "You're pregnant."_

 _It wasn't a question, voice thick, but sturdy as his eyes locked on hers. And she could only nod as the tears pooled in her eyes. As Will once again wrapped a comforting arm around her, pulling her into his embrace. And she couldn't stop the sob that left her lips. The simple act of compassion breaking her as her body convulsed and tears flowed down her cheeks._

 _Jay was gone. And she was pregnant._

"Erin?!"

"Hey! Erin, you ready?" The soft, familiar voice broke through her memory as Erin's eyes lifted from the image in her hand. As she was met with the questioning gaze of Jay and she quickly crinkled the picture into her hand and stood. Nodding, Erin moved out of the waiting room and toward the elevator in one fast motion, leaving Jay to trail behind.

Clearing her throat, Erin's gaze met Jay's as she stepped into the elevator. Watched his curious glance before she quickly started in on their usual after-session discussion. "How was your session?"

Slowly running his fingers through his hair, Jay bit cautiously at his bottom lip before responding, "It wasn't too bad." His eyes fell toward Erin's hands—one clenching tightly onto a large blue folder while the other held a slightly crumpled picture. Tilting his head toward it, he raised a brow in question. "What is all of that?"

"Huh?" Erin asked before her eyes meet his. "Oh I had a doctor's appointment this morning." She added as casually as she could, a slight shrug in her shoulders.

Jay's eyes widened in surprise, his chest rising in a slow pattern. "Why didn't you ask me to come with you?" The hurt evident in his voice as he reached for the picture.

"You had a session. Besides, it was just a checkup, nothing important." She said, trying to sound convincing as she watched a glaze form over his eyes, his thumb lightly skimming over the image. He nodded, although his eyes stayed locked on the picture, a smile forming on his lips as the elevator doors dinged open.

As they moved towards the hospital exit and out towards the car, silence etched between the two. And it only grew as Erin started the car and maneuvered her way into the busy streets of Chicago. Occasionally her eyes drifted from the road to watch as Jay clutched tightly onto the ultrasound in his hand, his gaze never leaving the image.

Erin sighed, her fingers gripping tighter around the wheel as she turned onto the block where their apartment was. She knew it was unfair not to invite him to the appointment. Knew it was unfair to not even mention that there was an appointment to Jay. But something stopped her from telling him. Something still made he unsure of his presence— not that she didn't trust him, just that she knew what it was like to be so far gone that nothing could bring you back.

But as she walked into the apartment, she couldn't help the tightening in her chest and the overwhelming feeling that came along with watching him look at the ultrasound picture for the first time. Listened to the hurt in his voice as he had asked her why she hadn't asked him to join her for the appointment. Because this was Jay, and he _was_ here. _He was back_. And no matter what he was still going through, she knew he wasn't going to risk losing anymore than he already had now that he was home. Now that he had something to fight for, something to keep himself grounded.

"Erin—" Turning at the sound of his voice, Erin was met with Jay's soft eyes as he sighed, as he took a seat at the edge of the couch and lifted the image still held tight within his grip. He tilted his head toward it as his brows furrowed, as he mulled carefully over his next words.

"Look, I know all of this isn't easy. And I know that's on me—" He inhaled a deep breath, slowly blowing it out before continuing, voice hoarse, "—but I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know, Jay." Erin nodded as she walked toward him. Taking a seat on the couch, she turned her whole body to face him, watching as his chest rose and fell quickly and his gaze fell to the image in his hand.

A small smile formed on his lips as his fingers traced over the picture, as he bit timidly on the soft skin of his lip and whispered into the space between them, "Just…just don't shut me out."

Erin shook her head quickly, her eyes turning serious as she searched his face. "I'm not—I'm not _trying_ to shut you out, Jay. It's just…you have a lot going on right now. I don't want to add any extra stress onto that."

Jay mimicked her movements, shaking his head as his eyes once again met hers, a mix of hurt and fear spreading across his features. "The shit that I have going on is what I have to deal with, and that's gonna take time." Their eyes locked as he continued, determination filling his voice. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be here every step of the way for you during this pregnancy, okay?"

Erin nodded as she watched his eyes fall once again to the small image in his hands. "Okay."

She couldn't help the small smile that formed on her lips as she observed him, as she watched a mixture of shock and joy spread across his face. And she leaned forward, closing the small distance between them on the couch as she pressed her lips softly against his cheek. Let her lips linger against the rough scruff of his cheek for a moment before standing and mumbling something about changing for work before walking into the bedroom. Left Jay with a wide, boyish grin as his eyes skimmed across the ultrasound once again. As his thumb brushed over the black and grey image and a small chuckle left his lips.

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 **Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and followed this story so far and thanks to danie14 for the this flashback idea :) All reviews truly helps so much with this story and help me figure out where it's going! Hope you enjoyed :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi guys! Thanks for the lovely reviews that you keep posting! Here is the next chapter, hope you all like it! :)**

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Dr. Charles stared aimlessly at his notebook, the red and blue lines blurring with the yellow sheets of paper as his eyes tried to focus in on his writing. As his pen stilled and the ink dried against the page. A soft hum left his lips as he sighed and waited patiently for Jay to continue speaking. His finger reached out to push his glasses a little farther back on the bridge of his nose as he brought the pen in his grip up to tap against his lips. He watched with squinted eyes as Jay's chest rose and fell in quick patterns and he sat, staring aimlessly at his hand.

Three weeks into sessions and the most progress that had been made had been during last fifteen minutes. Like most of the previous sessions, Dr. Charles had started them off discussing current events or problems Jay wished to talk about present situations. Unlike prior sessions, the conversation had expanded, Jay quickly engaging into talk about more personal issues. Discussions delving deeper into what brought him to therapy in the first place, and for the first time, they had landed on the events of _that_ night.

The conversation hung heavy in the air between the two of them. Even after minutes of silence, and as the soft ticking of the clock echoed through Jay's mind, the discussion replayed over and over through his head. New words getting stuck on the tip of his tongue as he tried to choke back emotions threatening to spill over the edge. Tears pricking his eyes as his breaths fell heavy in his lungs. As he tried to continue on, to dig further into his nightmares as visions filled his mind.

"Ruzek…he—he was standing right behind me."

Jay let in a shaky breath as he swallowed roughly. Looking up, he met Dr. Charles' encouraging gaze before his eyes fell to his hands. Clasping his fingers tightly together, he breathed through the tightness forming in his chest.

"His gun was on the ground. I...I should have known that. _I did know that_." He nodded in confirmation, rubbing his fingers across his forehead at his hairline. "He put it there, I watched him set it down. But I was so focused on all of the blood—there was so much of it."

Shaking his head, Jay's chest heaved heavier as his voice became thick and he fought through the memories filling his mind. "That's when I heard it."

Dr. Charles gave a soft nod—silent encouragement as Jay's eyes lifted once again, but they were distant, unfocused and lost in the memory as a large, unsteady breath left his lips. "I guess I should be used to the sound of gunshots. This one...this one sounded so different. It wasn't loud or quick. It just—it sounded far away. It sounded _wrong_. But I knew it was right behind me. I knew before I even turned my head."

A single tear rolled down Jay's cheek as memories filled his head. As the sound of gunshots invaded his eardrums and a bitter chuckle left his lips. Shaking his head, his eyes shut once more as he bit nervously at the soft skin of his bottom lip.

"I heard him fall. I heard him hit the ground and I still couldn't get myself to turn around. I couldn't make myself move." Running a hand hurriedly through his hair, he desperately tried to slow his breathing before once again dropping his head into his hands. And he tried to speak through the lump forming in his throat, "I _didn't_ make myself move. Not quick enough."

The sharp sound of gunshots cut through the thick air of the room as Jay's mind swam with memories. Filling his thoughts as a heavy breath heaved from his lungs. As his eyes shut tighter and a shaky whimper left his lips.

 _The loud thud of Ruzek's limp body fell against the wood floor, echoing through his mind. Mouse's body—shaking as he fought for air—just a few feet in front of him. The distant sound of a door slamming open rang through the open space as Jay began to hear rushed voices coming in and out of focus._

 _More gunshots—this time louder and more recognizable as more of the unit poured in. And Olinsky, in an unusually loud and panicked voice called for an ambo. He reached Ruzek before hurriedly searching for a pulse. Applied pressure to his partner's wounds as Antonio scurried around, clearing the space._

 _Jay jumped, his feet taking off faster than his brain could comprehend as he stumbled beneath himself. All protocol lost as he scurried forward, eyes glued to the gasping form in front of him. As his knees gave out, his hands fell quickly to the wound at Mouse's neck._

 _Strangled moans and uneven breaths left Mouse's lips as his panicked gaze met Jay's. "It's okay, buddy. Hang in there. You're gonna be okay." His words came out as rushed breaths as he spoke through the sobs threatening to escape. Spoke through the fear and shock as the large hazel eyes of his friend became bleak and glossy as another strangled breath attempted to leave his lips._

" _You're okay, Mouse. It's okay."_

 _Coughing, Mouse tried to nod in reassurance before the pain overtook him. Left him to fight greedily for air as his Jay shook his head. His eyes focused and glossy as he pressed harder down on the wound at Mouse's neck. "Hey—hey! It's okay. It's alright, buddy."_

"Jay." Although Dr. Charles' voice was soft and calm, Jay jumped slightly beneath his hands as he registered his surroundings. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly as he desperately tried to shake the memories away.

"Jay—"

Rubbing his face roughly, Jay's gaze found his hands, staring at them as the color of crimson clouded his vision. Tears fell down his cheeks as he focused in on his shaky hands and memories of blood stained palms filled his mind. "It—it's all my fault."

The hour hand of the clock had moved long past eleven as he let out a hollow breath and tried to stop the hard sobs still threatening to escape him. Running his hands roughly though his hair, Jay's eyes quickly shot to the large clock and he took another deep breath. An apology on the tip of his tongue for running past the designated stop time before Dr. Charles raised his hand, effectively cutting of Jay's words. "Take all the time you need."

Nodding, Jay sighed as his head fell against the plush cushion of the couch. The only sound in the room coming from the soft hum of the hospital heater and small squeak of leather as Dr. Charles adjusted himself in his seat. Neither spoke or made an attempt to move until a loud beeping sounded from the small pager resting against the psychiatrist's hip.

Dr. Charles quickly stood from his seat before turning toward Jay, once again repeating that he could take more time if necessary before he took off out the door. Left Jay to sigh loudly before standing from the couch and following the path out of Dr. Charles' office. His feet moved into the hospital corridor as his gaze met his brothers form—perched against a wall, coat swung loosely over his shoulders and in burgundy hospital scrubs. Giving a small smile, Will pushed himself off the wall as he walked the distance to meet Jay in the middle of the hallway. "You ready?"

Giving a short nod in response, Jay's eyes fell to the floor as concern crept across Will's face. The two silently made their way into the elevator before Will frowned as concern etched across his brows. As he noted Jay's chest rising and falling in unsteady patterns and the red-rim around his eyes. "Are you alright?"

Instead of meeting his brother's worried gaze, Jay pretended to find interest in a piece of lint from deep within his coat pocket as the doors dinged open and the two made their way out of the hospital and towards the parking lot to find Will's car.

The car ride was silent as Will made his way out onto the streets back towards Erin and Jay's apartment. His foot tapped lightly against the break peddle as a light turned red in front of them. Sighing, his eyes traveled to the passenger's side, watching as Jay pressed his head up against the chilled window, breath fogging up the glass and he stared aimlessly into the street. "Look, man—I'm here if you ever wanna talk about—"

"I'm fine." Jay interrupted, voice hard as he watched small snowflakes fall lightly against the window of the car. Nodding, Will gave him one final look before focusing his attention back toward the road. Before quickly switching lanes and turning rapidly down a road that lead them the opposite way of the apartment.

Jay's eyes widened as he registered the squealing of tires and observed Will cut off a large SUV before rounding the corner. "Where the hell are we going?"

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving." He stated enthusiastically, turning towards Jay once against as a large grin formed on his lips. Jay shot him a questioningly glance, but Will just shook his head, chuckling lightly as he parked in front of a small restaurant. "Burgers work for you?"

Jay didn't have time to respond before his brother excitedly turned off the car and hopped out. He groaned as he slowly opening the passenger's side door before taking large strides to catch up with Will as a sudden burst of wind picked up around the two of them. As soon as the door the restaurant opened up, the smell of food wafted into Jay's senses, making his stomach growl and mouth begin to water. Deciding that food didn't sound like too bad of an idea, he sighed as he followed Will toward a booth at the back of the building.

Silence etched out once again between the two as they began to read over the menus. Will only occasionally stole worriedly glances towards Jay as he searched through the contents of the menu before landing on a meal of a burger and fries. As their food arrived, Will greedily began eating his burger before his gaze landed on Jay, watching as he stared out the window, eyes focused in the falling snow from the cold December air. Sighing, his chewing slowed as he contemplated how to start a conversation with his brother.

After nearly a month of Jay being back at home and starting therapy, Will had definitely noticed subtle differences in Jay's behavior. Changing from Jay's first day back when he had stormed out of the apartment after realizing that he had been brought home when he had passed out in the car. To searching all night for him just to get into the Emergency Department the next morning and realize Jay had been brought in as a patient the previous night.

Watching Jay struggle to stay grounded was the hardest thing Will had ever done. Not being around much after Jay had gotten back from Afghanistan, he didn't know how far Jay could fall when he blamed himself for events that surrounded him. Unlike what haunted him after he got back overseas, Jay had Mouse to guide him though the nightmares. To reassure him of reality and fight to keep him grounded. And now, Mouse was gone, and Jay felt responsible. He _blamed_ himself.

Sighing, Will turned his attention back towards his brother. Watching as Jay took a small fry and slowly dragged it through some ketchup before examining it. Whatever had happened in his session today had obviously bothered Jay quite a bit. Sure, Jay had pretty much been a closed book for the past month, but today seemed different. Usually if Will was the one to meet up with Jay after sessions, conversation would flow between the pair. They would rarely discuss what had gone on during sessions, but were both quick to start up random conversations to pass the time. Realizing that Jay needed to talk, but also knowing his brother well enough to know now was not the time to push the topic, Will slowly took a bite of food before letting a small smirk form on his lips.

"So," Will started, a glint in his eyes as he popped a few fries into his mouth. A large, toothy grin spread over his face as he watched Jay's eyes lift curiously from his plate. "Erin's pregnant."

Nodding, Jay's brow raised in question as he scanned over Will's face. "Yeah, I know—" His questioning expression quickly changed to one of annoyance as the smirk grew across Will's face, "— _and?"_

"I just think it's funny that you're gonna be a dad is all." Will shrugged, smiling as he scarfed down a few more fries. "Never thought I'd live to see the day." The smirk on his lips deepened as a small chuckle billowed from his chest.

Scoffing, Jay's eyes widened in surprise and he couldn't help the large laugh that left his lips. " _Really?_ If it wasn't for Nat and Owen, who knows where you'd be right now."

Will chuckled, shaking his head as he thought about the past few years and the change his relationship had taken. "Yeah, it's pretty crazy how things work out, isn't it?"

Jay smiled in agreement before relaxing into his seat and turning his attention towards his food. The familiarity and lightheartedness of the conversation finally lightening the mood from his session with Dr. Charles earlier. Will smirked up at him, just knowing that he could still tease his brother about his relationship brought back memories of brotherly conversations and playful banter.

Conversation died down once again as Will's mind wandered. Replaying the struggles he had watched his brother go through—the demons he knew were still fighting to resurface. Will was well aware that it was a hard road to recovery, and that nothing was going to be easy to talk about. But he was also aware that Jay couldn't bottle things up, not any longer. Sure, sessions seemed to be going well, but if he wasn't willing to talk to the people who mattered most in his life, eventually they'd go looking for answers on their own. _Or_ they'd stop trying.

After a moment, Will cleared his throat before cautiously eyeing his brother. "How're you and Erin doing?"

A long pause made Will's brow lift curiously as he watched Jay's facial expression change. Blowing out a cautious breath, Jay's eyes found solace in his plate as he sighed. As he picked mindlessly at the remaining fries before shaking his head timidly. "I don't know...I guess it's—it's complicated."

Will gave a short nod, "And why's that?"

Chuckling, Jay's gaze met his brothers once again as he rolled his eyes. "A lot has happened, Will. We can't just go back to the way things were."

"But why not?"

Jay scoffed, staring in disbelief at Will's simple question. "You're not serious?"

"I am." Will nodded as he returned Jay's hard stare.

"It's not that simple." Shutting his eyes, Jay blew out a long breath as he thought through his reply. A hollow laugh left his lips and he shrugged, meeting Will's waiting eyes. "It just seems like she's shutting me out. Like...I don't know—like she's putting her walls up. Waiting for me to fuck things up even more somehow."

A sad smile formed on his lips as his shoulders fell dejectedly. "And I know that's on me, I just don't know what to do."

Will stared at his brother as determination filled his eyes and he gave one short nod. "You fix it."

Meeting Will's gaze, Jay nodded as his eyes grew serious and he thought over his relationship with Erin. Everything that she had to go through over the past month because of him. Everything that she was already going through on top of now having to deal with his problems. He _hated_ that, he hated the fact that his problems were affecting her so greatly.

Determination filled his voice as Jay spoke. "I know, I'm gonna fix this."

Will smiled over to his brother as he gave a short nod of approval before motioning for the check. He downed the remainder of his coke before following Jay back out towards his car. They drove back to the apartment in comfortable silence, Will only occasionally stealing glances at the passengers side to watch as his brother fidgeted nervously with his coat zipper, and then the hem of his shirt, before finally focusing his attention toward the road.

The sounds of footsteps filled the hallway as Jay moved forward to unlocked the deadbolt of the apartment. He swung the door open as Will rambled on in annoyance about a new hospital policy that was being put into effect. Only when the two noticed Erin's worried pacing did silence fill the space as she turned her head to face the pair at the door.

Taking a step forward, Erin eyes lingered on Jay for a moment before speaking, "Hey…you guys are home late."

Noting the worry in her voice, Jay locked eyes with Erin. Silent reassurance bouncing between the two before Will shrugged nonchalantly, "Oh yeah, we went out for lunch afterwards."

Erin gave a nod of understanding as she smiled sheepishly between the two of them.

"You're home early." Jay noted, swinging off his coat as he hung it nearly on the hook by the door. Getting home before five was uncommon in any regular line of work—in Intelligence? That was pretty much unheard of.

Erin shrugged, "It was a slow day, we did some paperwork and caught up with a few CI's. Hank was going to meet with someone, so he sent us all home about an hour ago."

Will looked between the two of them as Jay nodded. Turning back toward the door, he said a quick goodbye before leaving to get home and sleep off his twelve-hour shift. Giving Jay one final look, he slipped out the door and headed towards the elevator, leaving Jay and Erin in silence once again.

"So," Jay said as he followed Erin into the kitchen. Watching as she skimmed the contents of the refrigerator before pulling out an old slice of pizza and taking a large bite.

"So." Erin echoed as her eyes met his. Curiosity written all over her face as she watched a slight grin pass over his lips. Conversation had been in short supply for them lately, and it seemed almost impossible to get Jay to discuss anything. None the less be the one to actually start a conversation.

"So…I was thinking maybe we could talk about everything? I know there's a lot going on right now, but we really should talk it through." Jay watched cautiously as Erin's eyes widened in surprise. As her mouth opened to speak, but shut just as quickly before he took a deep breath. "Maybe we could go to dinner?"

A few moments passed by—long enough to make Jay swallow roughly as he rethought his proposal. Maybe Erin wasn't ready to talk about everything just yet. Maybe asking her to dinner was pushing too fast and he should have stuck with a simpler, casual conversation. But Erin was his best friend—his _fiancé_ —and Will was right, he had to fix this now. Had to stop shutting her out and let her help him, even if it was the last thing he wanted to have her go through. He knew what it was like to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to help them at all, and there was no way he would keep doing that to her.

"Erin?" Jay repeated, a nervous grin forming on his lips as he walked towards her. "The Purple Pig sound okay?"

Erin couldn't help the chuckle that left her lips as she met Jay's eyes. Nodding, a large smile formed across her face and she watched as Jay mirrored her actions. As his grin grew into a large, ear-to-ear smile. "Yeah. The Purple Pig sounds great."

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 **Once again, thanks so much for all the reviews and follows on this story! I love getting feedback from it, it helps so much when writing it to just read what people are enjoying from it. Please keep up the reviews! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

Hi guys! Sorry once again for the longer update. I won't give you any of my excuses but this chapter did turn out to be harder to write for some reason, so please let me know how it turned out!

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Erin blew out a timid breath as she adjusted the strap of her dress. Taking a small step forward on the cool tile towards her vanity, she met her eyes in the mirror, looking over her appearance one finale time. A shaky breath left her lips as nervous energy coursed through her veins.

Dinner with her fiancé shouldn't make her this nervous—at least not in this way. _But how was dinner going to go? What exactly were Jay's plans when he had suggested that the two of them go out to discuss everything_? Sure, she was excited that he was finally taking a huge step forward, making the first move to open to her. No more running—no more hiding, _not_ _anymore_. So why did the idea of dinner make her heart rate quicken and breathing become shallow?

Picking up the warm curling iron, Erin re-curled a few loose strands of hair before tousling the waves. Bracing herself on the counter, she focused on deep breaths as she watched her reflection. Apprehension pulsed through her veins as a frustrated sigh left her lips. Taking a few large steps back into the bedroom, she walked towards the full length mirror opposite her closest, readjusting her dress once again. _Why did the damn thing seem to fit so uncomfortably?_

Dresses were in short supply in Erin's closest, and she definitely hadn't been out to get one in the past few months. Sure, date nights were something that her and Jay appreciated and jumped at the chance of, but they were pretty rare considering how many hours the pair spent inside of District 21. Whatever time they had off together, they would have much preferred to spend cuddled up on the couch or spend a few extra hours curled up in bed. A few hours at Molly's was a lot more comfortable than a few hours dressed up at a nice restaurant.

But looking in the mirror now made Erin regret her choice altogether. A fitted little black dress was quickly turning into her worst enemy as it seemed to hug her small bump in the most unappealing way ever. Although still almost unnoticeable to others, the slight weight gain made a large groan slip from her lips as she surveyed her appearance once again. Grunting at her reflection, she rested her fingers over the slight bump as she heard a small knock on the bedroom door.

"Erin? Hey, you ready? We don't wanna miss our res—" Jay's voice trailed off as his gaze landed on that of his fiancée. His eyes skimmed up and down her body as a small grin formed on his lips.

"Is…is this okay?" she asked in an unusually timid voice, suddenly very self-conscious of Jay's lingering eyes on her abdomen. After a moment of silence, a nervous breath left her lips. "Just give me two more minutes. I can change real fast."

Chuckling at her nervousness, Jay took a step forward, meeting Erin in front of the mirror. He rested his hand over hers on her stomach as his eyes met hers. "You look beautiful, Er."

Instantly, Erin's gaze fell to the floor as she tried to conceal the blush forming on her cheeks, and she couldn't help the wide smile that spread across her face at his compliment. She had missed this—she had missed _him_. How easily one compliment could switch her whole mood and make her feel a thousand times better. How he always seemed to know what to say and what to do to calm her nerves. How well he knew her.

Reaching out his hand, Jay's fingers brushed against the soft skin of Erin's chin as he tilted her face up so their eyes met. Mimicking her smile, he let his eyes linger on hers for a moment before letting out a soft breath, tilting his head toward the door. "C'mon, we should get going."

Erin nodded as Jay stepped towards the door of the bedroom before she quickly finished getting ready and followed him out of the apartment and towards the parking lot. The drive was quite—except for the soft hum of the radio— both lost in curious thoughts as their minds tried to focus on what needed to be discussed throughout dinner.

As Erin pulled into a spot outside of the restaurant, she let the car still and the heater blast onto them before letting out a deep breath. Before quickly, and without warning, opening the door and jumping outside into the chilly night air. Left Jay to sit in silence for a moment longer before Erin popped her head back into the doorframe with a large smirk on her face. "You coming? Or is your idea of a nice date siting in the car all night?"

A soft chuckle left Jay's lips as he slipped out of the car, taking quick strides to catch up to Erin before pulling up the door of the building for her.

About thirty minutes later, the pair found themselves at a small corner table. Soft conversations danced around them, enclosing them within their own bubble of nervous tension as Erin swirled her straw through her ice before bringing the cool water to her lips. Her eyes lingered on Jay's downcast stare as she contemplated her words.

"So…how have your sessions been going lately?" She watched as Jay's fork stilled against his steak. As he drew in a quick breath and eyed his plate before crinkling his brows tightly together. Made Erin frown as she internally kicked herself at starting out their conversations with the one topic she knew he had been avoiding for weeks.

Shaking her head, her eyes lingered on the hard lines of his face before she sighed. "We don't have to talk about it."

"No—no, it's fine" he reassured, meeting her gaze with a soft smile. "They…they've actually been good lately. Uh, Dr. Charles is really great."

Erin smiled back towards him as she gave a short nod. "Good. That's —I'm really glad he's been helping out."

Jay watched as Erin went back to eating her meal, seeming content with the small amount of information he provided. But he felt as though he needed to give her something after months of pushing her away at every chance. Of making her suffer because he wanted to deal with things on his own.

Although discussing sessions was something he didn't want to do, and revisiting that night was something he _never_ wanted to do, he knew this was it. He needed to let Erin in — and not just because everyone told him it was what needed to happen, but because she wanted him to, and _he_ wanted her to.

"He…uhhh. He makes it easier to talk somehow. Doesn't expect anything from me." Jay said through a hoarse voice as he watched Erin slowly nod, hesitantly moving his thoughts forward.

His eyes fell back towards his plate as he moved vegetables around with his fork. "I'm not trying to shut you out, or to make you feel like you aren't helping me with everything. It's just—I don't know. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who doesn't know. Someone who doesn't have an opinion."

Muffled conversations between nearby tables flowed easily by as silence stretched out between Erin and Jay. As the sound of Jay's fork clinking against porcelain rang in their ears and he sighed before hanging his head and rubbing his hand roughly against his forehead. "Someone who isn't going to tell me it wasn't my fault."

"Jay." Erin said after a moment, and the harshness to her tone made his gaze immediately shift from the white tablecloth to meet her eyes as she leaned forward. "It _wasn't_ your fault."

Shaking his head, he opened his mouth—an objection quick on the tip of his tongue before her eyes hardened and she leaned even further into the table. "It wasn't your fault, Jay. _Nothing_ about it was your fault. You couldn't have changed what happened."

Erin frowned as a bitter chuckle left his lips and he shook his head quickly. She sighed, meeting his harsh gaze before speaking, "No matter how hard we try, sometimes the people we love die. But you can't blame yourself. It took me a long time to fully realize that. But Dr. Charles helped me, and he will do the same for you."

"The difference is you weren't there, Erin!" Jay's voice rose as he slammed his hand roughly onto the surface of the table. Noticing a few lingering eyes from waiters and nearby tables, Jay lowered his voice as he leaned into to the table. "You didn't witness what happened with Nadia. I—I was five feet away from him and I watched it all happen. I could have done something; I could have reacted faster—I could have reacted _better_. But I didn't. And now he's dead."

"Jay." Erin said once again as his eyes fell to the table. As memories and regret flooded his mind as a glaze covered his eyes.

"Jay—look at me." Her voice hardened, desperately trying to convince him of something she knew was nearly impossible in the moment. Something she thought he was working on, something she had irrationally convinced herself was no longer an issue. She should have known better, known how long it would take him to realize that what happened that night wasn't something that could have been stopped. Not by him. Not by anyone. But this was Jay, and he took the weight of everything onto his own shoulders. Especially with this. _His unit. His family_. _His friend_.

"This was not on you. Not for one minute has anyone blamed you. The unit doesn't. Ruzek doesn't. And Mouse sure as hell wouldn't if he were here right now. He would tell you to get your shit together and stop blaming yourself."

Jay shook his head— rolling his eyes as an unemotional chuckle left his lips. "Yeah, well he's not here."

Nodding, Erin watched for a moment as Jay desperately tried to calm his heaving chest. Tried to even out his breathing as will away the tears threatening to spill. "You're right, he's not here."

She leaned back in her seat, watching as the lines of his brow raised in question before a small smile fell across her face. "But you are and so am I. So is this baby. _This_ is what's here. _This_ is what you need to focus on. Not what happened, no matter how shitty it is. We can't go back in time and change what happened. But, you can move forward."

Blowing out a deep breath, Jay's eyes fell closed as a large breath left his lips. He knew that Erin didn't understand why no matter what, he would always blame himself. But after everything Mouse had done for him—dragged him out of hell after they returned from overseas, Jay owed Mouse everything. And he failed in returning that favor.

Mouse had been there when no one else had been, when no one else even knew that Jay had needed someone to be there for him. And yet everyday, without fail, there he would be. With some stupid movie or cheesy new tech device. Anything that could help to distract the both of them for even just a few hours—just long enough to help them _forget_. To make them pretend reality was a better place then what they had witnessed.

Mouse had saved him, and now Mouse was dead _because_ of him.

He sighed, opening his eyes, he was met with Erin's gentle gaze as she waited for him to continue with their conversation. Waited to continue their disagreement all night if it meant she could somehow convince him that she was right about this. But he just sighed, dropping his head dejectedly before muttering, "Can we just drop it, Erin? Please."

Erin started to argue, words threatening to spill over the tip of her tongue before she focused in on his posture. Focused in on the hard lines of his face, on the way his shoulders were drooping and he bit subconsciously at his bottom lip. Instead, she gave a short nod before shifting her gaze back towards her plate. Returned her attention to her food—and after a few minutes heard Jay follow suit and he began once again picking at his steak as silence once again consumed them.

As Erin pushed her vegetables around her plate, her gaze traveled up to watch Jay mirror her actions. She frowned, "Jay, I –"

"I'm sorry." he interrupted, voice full of regret as his gaze lifted to meet hers.

Confusion spread across her face as her brows furrowed. "For what?"

"Everything" chuckling, Jay threw his hands up, motioning to include everything around them as he spoke. "For starters, I just flipped out on you in the middle of dinner."

Erin grinned slightly, allowing a small chuckle to escape her own lips as she waved off his apology. In comparison to the last few months, this dinner was nothing. Add onto that the fact that he was actually opening up to her—maybe not with the outcome that she had hoped for—but it was still progress. And she couldn't be mad about that. She also couldn't be angry at him for going to see Dr. Charles, for trying to discuss the shooting, for being honest about how he was feeling.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not okay, Erin" he corrected. "Then there's how I acted after that night. How I've been acting towards you since then. All you've been doing is trying to help me, and I've been a complete asshole and I'm—I'm just really sorry, Erin."

A small smile fell onto her lips as Erin nodded. "I know. Seriously, it's okay."

"No, no. It's really not okay! I shouldn't have shut you out and I _definitely_ shouldn't have left. I'm sorry for putting you through all of that. For making you go through all of it."

"I know what it's like to shut people out, Jay." Erin reminded, her voice sturdy as she locked her eyes with his. "I'm not going to sit here and play the blame game. You were grieving. It may not have been the best way, but that's what happened. Now we move on."

A sad smile formed on Jay's lips as his eyes drifted towards the table and guilt washed through him. "Doesn't mean I wasn't a huge jackass."

Erin grazed the soft skin of Jay's hand as she reached across the table before skimming his fingers. Their hands slowly intertwined as her smile grew. "You're here and you're getting better. That's all that matters now. That's what's important."

"Yeah." He agreed as Erin squeezed his hand slightly in her grip.

Thinking over the past few months, Jay couldn't stop the overwhelming amount of guilt that waved through him knowing how much weight he had put onto her shoulders. How much he had put her through—and then he thought about the baby. The fact that while he was off drowning himself in anything and everything, she was not only worried about him but also going through so much on her own. And instead of being around to help her, he continued to shut her out and keep his distance.

Clearing his throat, Jay tugged lightly on Erin's hand, gaining her attention as he spoke. "Look, I know I've been all over the place lately. And it took us a long time to get to where we are— where we _were_."

Jay sighed as he scanned Erin's face. Watching as her brows furrowed curiously and she frowned. "I guess what I'm saying is, I get it. If you want to hold off a while on everything. Focus on the baby right now…and put a pause on the engagement."

Erin's heart felt as though it had stopped and started beating rapidly out of her chest all at the same time. She shook her head quickly, "We can focus on both. One doesn't have to outweigh the other."

Sighing, Jay frowned as he released Erin's hand, leaning back to gage her reaction. "I know, but Erin—"

"No. No, I'm your fiancé, Jay. That's not going to change. Whatever happened, whatever _is_ happening, I'm in this with you."

Jay nodded slowly as he took in her words. "Okay." leaning forward once again, he brushed his fingers lightly against Erin's knuckles as his eyes met hers. "–but if you ever feel differently. If it's overwhelming or hectic, just let me know. Deal?"

"Okay, I can do that." She agreed, taking a large sip of water before a smirk settled across her face. " _Only_ if you agree to something for me."

Jay sighed, rubbing a cautious hand across his forehead as he nodded once again. "Alright…shoot."

"No more shutting me out. At all." She stated as her eyes hardened, "I know we aren't always the best at talking things out, but I don't think I'm asking for a lot here, Jay. I don't need you to tell me everything you're feeling all the time…just—just don't push me away anymore."

Jay took a moment to think over her proposal as he watched her eyes glisten with unshed tears before she quickly sniffed them back. Before he dipped his head in agreement. "Deal."

Erin reached out her hand, gesturing towards it as Jay's eyebrow raised in suspicion before a wide grin spread across his face and he firmly shook Erin's hand, securely locking in their agreement as a deep chuckle left her lips. He couldn't help but smile even wider as he took in the sound—a small chuckle reverberating from his own chest as he basked in hearing her laugh.

The rest of the meal was spent with comfortable conversation flowing easily between the two of them. Afterwards, Erin followed Jay out to the car, pausing briefly as she reached the driver side door before Jay gave her a questioning stare. Giving him a mischievous smile in return, she reached into the pocket of her coat, fumbling briefly before her fingers curled around a cold metal object and she tossed them across the hood of the car.

Jay paused momentarily before registering the keys flying—jingling towards his face and quickly snatching them, inches before they made contact with the bridge of his nose. "You're gonna let me drive?"

His question, more serious than his joking tone made it out to be sat in the air between them as Erin sauntered around the car. The last month had been spent being closely chaperoned, and that meant _always_ having a driver. Whether it was Erin, Will—or occasionally Natalie if Will was caught up in the ED and Erin at the precinct—someone was there to drive him. Not just to witness that he was making it from point A to point B, but to actually be the one to get him there. As if he was unable to do so himself.

Erin nodded, her smile only growing as she witnessed the pure shock on Jay's face, and she inched closer towards him. "It's a gift."

Jay's laugh—soft and sincere—was captured by Erin's warm lips as she planted them gently against his. Just for a moment, just long enough for a content sigh to escape as she relished in the feel of his lips on hers before she pulled back. And she couldn't help the loud chuckle that reverberated from her chest at seeing the disbelief on Jay's face as she adjusted the collar of his jacket before tapping him lightly on the chest. Before stepping back and opening the passengers side door and sliding into the seat. Left Jay to once again stand in silence for a moment before Erin popped her head out of the window with a large smirk on her face. "You coming? Or did you want me to drive?"

Jay shook his head, chuckling as he took quick strides towards the driver's side of the car before jumping in and driving them home.

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Thanks so much for sticking with this story so far. I'll try to be more regular about my updates, hopefully after the end of the semester that will be possible. I have a good idea of where I want the next few chapters to go, but I'm always open for suggestions and would love to hear if ya'll have any! :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Hi guys! I can't thank everyone enough for reading, leaving reviews,and sending me pm's about this fic! I know I say that a lot, but it helps me so much with how I'm going to write it out! This is my first attempt at a multi-chapter fic, and I've only written a few other fics ever and I'm so happy you all seem to enjoy it! It really helps so much to write this one! Enjoy :)**

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A small glimmer of light cascaded through the rectangular windows of the bullpen. Reflecting large shadows off the desks of each of the members of the Intelligence Unit as they began working as the sun set. Keyboards clicked at rapid pace as they began to quickly move through the paperwork from their latest case.

After arriving back at the district minutes before, the unit realized they were going to be swamped in paperwork in order to close out their latest case. Voight's strict instructions—no one goes home until _everyone_ is finished with their paperwork—swam through everyone's minds as they rushed to begin typing and writing their reports.

Erin's feet fell heavy against the broken tiled floor as she moved sluggishly back toward her desk. A mug of ice water clenched tight in her grip as she swallowed through her hoarse throat and her chest rose and fell in heavy patterns. She plopped down in her chair, dropping her head to her hands as she tried to even out her breathing.

Although running down a suspect was never huge on her list of favorite things—hell, it had always been pretty much dead last—this new level of exhaustion she was feeling was unparalleled. And running block-after-block in order to catch a suspect was definitely beginning to pay its toll on her body. She knew the outcome was worth it for the case, but that fact didn't help her exhaustion.

Up until today, she had thought waiting a few more weeks to reveal her pregnancy and even begin to discuss switching to desk duty was an obvious choice, but her reasons for staying in the field were running low. The tightening of her Kevlar and added fatigue gave proof to that. Add onto that the greatly increased risk factor for not only herself, but also the baby.

Erin sighed, her eyes scanning once more around the bullpen. The after-case lull of shuffling paperwork and murmurs of her colleagues enough of a distraction for her to slide her upper left desk drawer open. Grabbing a small square sheet of paper and shoving it into her pocket before striding towards Hank's closed office door.

Knocking twice, Erin waited, peeking through the opened blind of the door for Hank to lift his head from his own pile of paperwork—his lips turning upwards just slightly as he waved her in—before she twisted the knob and sucked in a large breath.

Hank gave her a soft nod as she entered before his head dipped once again towards the pile in front of him and he continued scribbling out onto one of the many scattered papers across his desk. Erin shut the door with a large thud as nervous energy pulsed through her and her eyes bounced between the hard lines on his face and the paperwork on his desk.

She sighed heavily, trying to calm her accelerated heartrate as her gaze focused in on the movements of the pen in Hank's hand. Moving effortlessly across the page—the ease of each word written making her breathing become shaky. Unintentionally, her eyes welled with tears as she took a step backwards.

Maybe, it was too soon to tell him. After all, her vest still did fit. Probably still could—at least with some kind of comfort— for a few more weeks at the rate her small bump was growing. And it was a given that she would be on desk duty as soon as the words left her lips. Not to mention, she hadn't even discussed it with Jay yet, maybe he would want to be the one to tell Voight, or at least be in the room when—

"Erin?"

Her eyes shot up to meet Hank watching her intently, and from the curiosity in his voice she could tell it wasn't the first time he'd said her name. Not the first question he'd asked her since she walked into his office minutes ago. She watched as his pen fell from his grip before he crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat. "Everything alright?"

"Uhh. No…I mean, yeah—yes. Can we talk?"

The uncertainty in her voice made Hank sit up and uncross his arms as he watched her shift from foot to foot. And he didn't bother stopping the noticeable tightening of his jaw as he wracked his brain for the source of her discomfort.

Nodding, he motioned towards the seat across from himself before locking his hard eyes with hers, "Sure. Sit."

Silence fell between them as Erin sat rigidly in the chair. Her body tense as her breaths came out uneven. Hank frowned, "What's going on, kid?"

"I, umm— I…" blowing out a deep breath, Erin's gaze fell to the floor, her heart beating rapidly inside of her chest. She knew this was it—no more waiting to tell him. No more chasing down suspects—busting down doors— guns ablaze. At least not for now. All of that needed to be put on pause. Locking her eyes with Voight's concerned stare, she swallowed harshly. "I'm pregnant."

A thick silence settle between the two of them as Erin kept her eyes firmly locked on Hank's. Watched as his eyes narrowed and jaw seemed to tighten further before he gave a solid not. "Halstead know?"

Erin could only nod in response as she tried to get a read on his blank face. But this was Voight and his features stayed stern as he searched Erin's eyes, noting the glimmer. The unshed tears beginning to pool as her leg bounced nervously. He sighed, rubbing a hand against the gray scruff of his chin, "What's your plan here, kid?"

"I'm not going to quit Intelligence." She stated firmly, gaining an apprehensive stare from Voight.

He shifted in his chair, leaning forward as his eyes hardened. As he opened his mouth to protest, before she shook her head and quickly continued. " _But,_ I know my limits. Today…it was rough. Not the case, but for me it was. And I can't do that to everyone. You need me one-hundred percent focused. And right now, out there, I can't be." Voight nodded, urging her on, "I'll take the desk—help with interrogations, meet with CI's, and I can still help with crime scenes. I want to do as much as possible for as long as possible."

A short grunt reverberated from Voight's chest as his lips turned up into a small grin. As his eyes lingered on Erin's for a moment longer before he let out a long sigh. "You sure about all of this?"

Choosing to ignore the double meaning behind his words—his silent questions lingering in the apprehensive look in his eyes. The questions about timing, Jay's recovery and what all of this would really mean for her, for _them_ , all on the tip of his tongue—Erin only nodded firmly, her eyes locked on his as she spoke. "I'm positive."

And with that, she stood. Moved so quickly across the room Hank's eyes widen in surprise as he watched her fingers curl around the door

"Erin—" Turning, Erin met Hank walking towards her, arms outstretched as he pulled her into his chest. "Congratulations, kid. I'm really happy for ya."

A large smirk fell onto her lips as Erin let out a large breath—one she was unaware she had been holding in for the past ten minutes. She pulled back from him, trying to fight back the tears threatening to fall before turning once again towards the door.

"Oh! Uhm, I almost forgot."

She reached into her jacket pocket, fishing out the small picture before extending it out to Voight, watching as he eyed the ultrasound image curiously. A large chuckle fell from his lips as he scanned it, seeming entranced by the black and grey image. As his eyes met hers again, they were filled with a softness she had only experienced a hand full of times, and she couldn't help but to match his smile. "I'm proud of you, kid."

The loud thudding at the door shifted both of their attention as Ruzek's head popped through. As his eyes met Voight's and he informed them that Olinsky called and said that their sergeant was needed at a crime scene. Left Erin to watch as Hank gave her a firm smile as he tapped the picture once again before dipping his head, grabbing his coat, and hurrying out of the office.

Erin stayed locked in place by the doorframe, trying to process the conversation she just had. Her thoughts swam around her as a tear fell quickly down her cheek without warning. She brushed it off as Ruzek's gentle voice boomed beside her. "Erin, you—uh, you good?"

Nodding, she quickly waved off his concern before sidestepping around him and out of the office. She quickly refocused her attention on the large amount of paperwork on her desk. The heavy sound of clicking from the surrounding computers drowning out her thoughts as she got lost in the reports scattered across her workspace.

.

A stifled yawn left Erin's lips as she leaned back in her chair, stretching out as she brought a hand to rub at the tenderness of her lower back. Sitting in a chair for the last hour had definitely not helped with her fatigue. Her eyes drifted around the bullpen, noting each one of her coworkers still captivated by their paperwork before she decided the need to stretch out her legs was overwhelming. She grabbed her mug, mind set on refilling her cup as she stood.

Half way to the break room, the buzzing from the gate to Intelligence shifted her attention as she turned towards the noise. The heavy, familiar sound of boots trudging up the steps made Erin's eyes widen as Jay came into view.

Everyone shifted their attention from their paperwork. Their eyes lingering, mouths agape as Jay stood motionless at the top of the stairs. They had picked up bits and pieces of his recovery from Erin's behavioral changes over the past month, but none of them had attempted to ask questions. All way too familiar with her lashing out to search for further information about his progress. They had all hoped that, with time, both Erin and Jay would go back to being their regular selves, and eventually even Jay would find his way back to the unit.

His spot was still open, his desk still remained empty. No one had even attempted to clean it off like they had with Ruzek's during his medical leave—a large contrast to the way they had all hurriedly gone through Mouse's desk in the days following the shooting. Everyone wanted to make it very clear that Jay was welcome back at any time. As soon as he was able to pull it together, his spot would be waiting. _Always_.

But as they all watched, staring with blank expressions, no one attempted to move forward. To take the first step to greet him. To welcome him. No one knew where to begin.

Jay sucked in a deep breath, taking the silence as their way of letting him know he wasn't welcome. That they knew what he had known for months. It was his fault. And they blamed him.

Nodding, Jay swung quickly around. One foot falling on the top step as he attempted to flee back down them before he heard his named rasped out and a firm hand grab his arm. He stalled, turning back towards the bullpen, but his eyes stayed locked on the ground, a mixture of sorrow and fear on his face. As if he was two seconds away from bolting down the stairs and out of the district.

The scene seemed to snap everyone out of their temporary daze, and Antonio was the first to move. Quickly stepping from behind his desk and walking towards them, reaching out his hand. "Halstead! Good to see you man."

The wide, honest smile on his face made Jay's breathing began to even out as he relaxed slightly in Erin's hold. He eyed Antonio's outstretched hand for a moment before giving a sincere smile and shaking his hand.

Atwater followed close behind Dawson, forcing Erin to step back as he pulled Jay in to an unexpected hug. "You look good, bro. Real good."

Jay dipped his head in response before Burgess, too, gave Jay a small hug. Her eyes met Erin's as the two friends shared a look of curiosity over Jay's presence. Erin shrugged, her eyes falling back onto Jay's— watching closely to assure herself that he was alright. That his random appearance was out of his own volition and because he was okay. Because _he_ chose to stop by. Chose to make another step forward. Jay immediately noticed her lingering eyes and turned away from Burgess to meet Erin's gaze. The corners of his mouth lifted upwards slightly, silently informing her that he was alright.

"Uhh. Hey, man."

The smile instantly faltered on Jay's face as he turned to see Ruzek standing a few feet in from of him. He swallowed roughly, eyes lowering to focus on the scuffed up converse that covered Adam's feet.

"Ruzek." Jay mumbled.

"Look, it's really good to see you." A chuckle left Adam's lips as he continued, "To actually see you _here_. For a minute there, I was starting to think you were never coming back."

Jay's head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as he saw the grin on Ruzek's face. He couldn't help the overwhelming irritation that he instantly felt. "I'm not _back_ , Ruzek."

"Right." Adam nodded in response. He scanned around the room briefly, noting that everyone had given them some space—Atwater and Dawson sat back in their desks and Erin and Kim had made their way into the break room. He sighed, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm glad you're doing okay. I've actually been wanting to talk to you. With everything that happened…I know it was a big shit-show and I'm just happy—"

"Ruzek!" Adam's eyes widened at the volume of Jay's voice. "I didn't come here to talk about our feelings. I came here to say 'hi' to everyone. Or do you have a problem with that?"

The bitterness of his words made Ruzek shift his weight uncomfortably as he shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but could immediately sense the hesitancy in Jay's eyes, and instead opted to end the conversation before things got too messy.

As he turned to walk away, Jay sighed, already regretting lashing out. He frowned, rubbing a hand across his forehead, "Look, Adam…I—"

Ruzek quickly waved off his words, a soft, nervous chuckle leaving his lips. "Nah…hey man. I get it. It's all good."

Before Jay got the chance to respond, the sound of a chair being pushed hard against the tiled floor shifted both of their attention towards Antonio. He ended a call on his phone as his eyes scanned the room.

"That was O. Two bodies were just pulled out of the lake. Voight wants us all to meet with the officers down at the scene."

Noting everyone's eyes still on his—blank expressions on their faces—Antonio shook his head, grabbing his coat as he quickly made his way to the back stairway. "We gotta roll. _Now_!"

In one quick motion, the unit began to rush towards the stairs, leaving Jay standing in the middle of the emptying bullpen. Erin lingered back, grabbing her coat as she made her way to stand next to her fiancé. She walked slowly towards his side, watching as his body stood rigid in the middle of the large room. His eyes were fixed on the disappearing forms of the unit down the staircase. Slowly, she reached her hand out, gently placing in on his back to shift his attention. "You good?"

Jay's eyes darted between Erin and the stairs before his shoulders slumped. "Yeah—I… I'm good. You should get going."

"Jay, it's fine. They can wait a second. You sure you're okay? Do you need a ride home?"

Finally shifting his attention from the stairs, Jay turned to fully face Erin. A smile was planted across his face, but it didn't meet his eyes. "No. Uhh, that's okay. I actually walked here, I don't mind walking back."

Erin's eyes widened in surprise as she scoffed. "You walked here? Jay, it's freezing outside."

"Erin, I'm good. I'll call Will if it's honestly that big of a deal."

"Okay, but Jay—"

Jay shook his head, taking a step back from her. The far-off sounds of the unit could be heard as Dawson's voice bellowed up the back stairs, calling for Erin. "You should go."

Erin sighed, but didn't disagree as she moved forward, grazing her hand against his back once more. She took two steps forward before turning, giving him a solid glance as he nodded a silent reply. Trying to let her know he _really_ was alright. That he would be okay. That being in this room didn't make his chest tighten and a lump form in his throat.

His eyes scanned the room once again. Settling in one Mouse's desk—now scattered with new files and paperwork. He had heard brief mentions from Erin that no one had filled the spot yet—Voight being unwilling to get a new tech person until someone with the same expertise was found. But he hadn't focused much on the information. As far as he knew, that meant extra workload for each of the members of the unit, bribing a CI for extra information, and occasionally borrowing a tech-savvy officer to help along a case.

Swallowing the still-growing lump in his throat, Jay turned his attention from the desk, his feet unintentionally carrying him towards his own. He sat, slumping heaving in his chair as his eyes scanned over the ever-tidy surface. It seemed oddly familiar. As if it had been untouched—or as close to it as possible— since the last time he had been there. His fingers skimmed over the keys of the keyboard, and then the hard wood surface of the desk before a tear spilled from his eyes.

Once the single tear fell, he couldn't help the silent sobs that broke from his chest. Hunched over, he buried his face deep within the confines of his hands on top of his desk as his emotions overflowed. As the sound of a busy case filled his ears—ideas being tossed widely across the bullpen— laughter, disagreements, and celebrations.

And then the image of Mouse played through his mind. Beanie covered head as he shook off the cold. The wide smirk across his face as he conveniently forgot information until a crisp fifty was pulled from deep within Jay's pocket. His first day in intelligence, a grateful grin spilled across his face as he settled in with a beer down in the tech room with Jay. An act that quickly became tradition for the two after bad days, heavy cases, and the most difficult weeks.

The sobs continued to break through Jay's chest as his mind swam with memories. Filled with images. Jay powerless to stop the gut-wrenching guilt. The overpowering blame that he had felt ripping him apart as the tears flowed endlessly down his face.

* * *

 **Again, thanks so much for reading! There's still a lot more story to tell, and I'm always up for suggestions if there's anything ya'll want to see happen to Jay or linstead! Leave me a review or send me a PM :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Wow. I know it's been a while. Sorry for the wait! It's a bit longer and hopefully it's a good one so it (at least partially) makes up for it :) Enjoy!**

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"So tell me, why is it that you feel responsible for the events that happened that night?"

The simple question, one that had been avoided for over a month of dreaded sessions—at least on Jay's end—was now coming back with a vengeance. Being asked in such a definitive tone that it gave no room for avoidance. No room to dodge _. Why did he feel responsible?_

Jay sighed, rubbing the rough pads of his fingertips across his forehead as his eyes fell shut. As he tried desperately to clear his mind from wandering, from once again relieving and replaying visions through his mind. Instead, he focused his attention on his bottom lip—which he knew by now he had to have practically chewed a hole through—before slowly opening his eyes.

He wasn't surprised to be met with Dr. Charles' awaiting stare. A soft smile was planted on the psychiatrist's lips as he waited. He never forced answers out of Jay, but he also wasn't one to allow him to think he could get away with evading questions. Always waiting, giving him a look that implied that he knew when answers were being avoided or questions were being dodged. Knew when to store information back to pull it out to discuss further at a later date. Unfortunately for Jay, it seemed like his time for avoidance was up.

Rolling his eyes, a humorous chuckle spilled from Jay's lips as he leaned forward on the couch. As his eyes met Dr. Charles' with such an intensity, that it would make most people cower backwards. But the older man matched his gaze, nodding to urge Jay to answer to question.

"I _feel_ responsible—" Jay started, sarcasm dripping from each word, "—because it's _my_ fucking fault. Because Ruzek wouldn't have been shot and almost bled out if it wasn't for me. Because Mouse would still be alive if it wasn't for me."

The psychiatrist only let out a short ' _hmm'_ at Jay's words. He let silence fill the small room as his eyes followed Jay's movements, watching as he dropped his head to his hands once again. After a moment passed, Dr. Charles raised an eyebrow in curiosity, "What makes you so sure?"

Jay's head shot up, his eyes narrowing, venom spitting through the single-syllable word, " _What_?"

Dr. Charles gave a short shrug, disregarding Jay's anger, "What makes you believe the events of that night would have turned out any differently if your part in it had changed?"

"You're serious?" Jay couldn't help the large chuckle that left his lips at the question.

 _What difference would it have made?_

Everything would have turned out differently. The whole night was on him. If his part had changed—if he had double checked facts, been better prepared, _trusted the right people_ —none of this would have happened.

Jay met Dr. Charles' awaiting stare as a deep groan reverberated from within. He didn't want to get into the details. Didn't want to relive the night, but he wanted— _needed_ — this to all go away. The constant tightening in his chest. The constant feeling of guilt. No one needed his pity— _especially_ Mouse.

Whether he was alive to witness it or not. Mouse didn't deserve to have Jay constantly fuck up, over and over again—being rectified in his actions under the false justification of ' _grief'_ or ' _trying to_ _get past it'_. He _needed_ to stop.

"Jay, avoidance won't help you to move past this," Dr. Charles spoke calmly. His voice echoing Jay's inner-thoughts in such a precise way that Jay's eyes widened in surprise as he stared the psychiatrists down.

"I want to know what it is you think would have changed if your part in that evening would have changed. Maybe, something you believe would have altered the events of that nigh—"

"I don't know what you're wanting me to tell you here!" Jay's voice was hard as he spoke. A sheer glaze covered his eyes and he took a slow, deep breath before focusing his attention blankly ahead, "I keep telling you it was on me. That it was my fault. Because we wouldn't have even been in that house if it wasn't for me. It was _my_ CI who gave me the information. _I_ was the one who suggested we set up surveillance on that house."

His gaze focused in on a small tear in the leather of the armchair as images flashed through his mind.

 _Images of Mouse's wide, panic-filled eyes glued on his. Silently begging him as the gun pressed against him pushed harder against his temple. As the forearm tightening around his neck gave less and less room for oxygen._

 _And Jay nodded. Once in confirmation. In something that they had been forced to learn as combat skills for the Rangers. As something that had proven effective so many years earlier when a man had had a gun pressed tightly against Mouse's head at the twenty-first district._

 _But he stilled— a moment of hesitation._

 _The moment it took for his fingers to curl around his piece stowed away at his side. The moment it took for Mouse to choke out a strangled breath and regain his balance after he sent a sharp elbow into the chin of the man at his side._

 _That moment was all it took._

The images in his mind turned to jumbled chaos as he kept his eyes locked on the spot next to Dr. Charles' frame. As the sound of a gunshot ricocheted through his head and Mouse's limp body falling inches in front of him registered in his mind. Flashes of sounds—of screams filling his ears as more gunshots invade his memory.

Biting at his bottom lip, he sucked in a large breath as his eyes darkened. As his chest rose and fell in quick, unsteady patterns. " _My_ CI gave me the location. _My_ CI gave me the false information. And _my_ CI was the one who pulled the trigger that night. It's on me."

"Jay—"

"No! Don't you dare try to tell me this wasn't on me! Everything…. _everything_ was my fault." The anger he had been fighting back came billowing out. Flooding out of him in intense waves as he met Dr. Charles' cool gaze with intense, hard eyes.

He didn't understand why no one else could get it. Why everyone seemed to look past the blatantly obvious facts about that night. The facts about that case. Sure, they had checked information. Yes, the team had thought that the suspect was in custody and surveillance was being set up at the house of the suspect's girlfriend—while she was out of the country none the less.

But the simple facts came down to this: _he_ was the one who received the information from _his_ CI. _His_ CI was well aware that they had the wrong guy in custody. _His_ CI led them to that house. And it was _his_ CI who shot Mouse a few feet in front of him.

Dr. Charles exhaled slowly, gaging Jay's disposition before speaking, "From what I am aware about this case, protocol was followed properly. You were at that house to do surveillance while your unit was interrogating the man who was the main suspect of a homicide. You had eye-witness reports, a ballistic match on the gun. And the two other men involved were being arrested at the time. There was nothing to lead you to believe that your CI would have any sort of involvement in the case." Dr. Charles paused, trying to gain Jay's attention, to get him to focus on the facts he was laying out. That he knew had been told to Jay numerous times previously. "Sometimes we can do everything correctly and mistakes are still made."

" _Mistakes_?" Jay shook off the words, incapable of processing anything coming out of the psychiatrist's mouth, unable to continue the conversation any further. "It doesn't matter. None of that matters. What matters is that Mouse is dead. Ruzek was nearly killed. And I froze," his shoulders fell in defeat as his eyes met the older man's, "I didn't react fast enough. Maybe if I would have none of this would have happened."

.

Erin couldn't help the smile that spread across her face as she watched the hour hand switch over. Her thumb traced delicate patterns over the small swell of her sweatshirt as she stood from the waiting room chair. Her smile only grew as she heard the familiar sound of the door to the psychiatry room click as the handle turned. She took quick strides to meet Jay as the door swung open.

"You read—" her smile instantly fell as she took in his disheveled appearance— blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes.

Stopping dead in her tracks, her eyes focused on his downcast expression. The way he took in sharp breaths as his chest fell heavy beneath his black hoodie. His eyes seemed to stay locked on the ground, and for a moment she wasn't sure if she needed to repeat herself. Wasn't even sure if he was aware of her presence.

After a few seconds, Jay's head snapped up, focusing in on Erin before a large sigh left his lips and a genuine smile fell across his face. The color that was drained only moments before instantly rushed back as his smile grew. "You ready?"

Erin opened her mouth to speak, her eyes wide as she looked over his features, taking in his sudden shift in mood. But she chose to ignore the sudden change and instead quickly nodded as he gestured her into the hospital corridor.

As they walked down the halls and into the elevator, Erin studied Jay's face cautiously. Scanning the hard lines that seemed to be etched permanently across his face as he stared at the quickly-rising numbers before the elevator came to an abrupt halt.

"I'm good, Erin."

His sudden and always-present knowledge of her wordless concern made her eyes widen slightly as they exited the elevator. And he stole a quick glance at her—raising his eyebrows knowingly as they rounded a corner leading to another corridor.

"The session was rough today. Have been for a while. And they probably won't be getting easier. But _it's_ getting easier. All of it. I'm good. I promise," he reassured, letting her take the lead as she stepped into a small waiting room and gave him a wide smile and soft nod before turning to talk to a young woman behind the desk to check herself in.

Minutes later, the two found themselves sitting in comfortable silence as Jay's leg bounced with nervous energy while he scanned out the waiting area. It was merely empty—save for a noticeably pregnant woman and a small toddler running wildly around.

Jay smiled as he watched the little boy pick up a magazine, then a stuffed animal, then head straight for a chair—crawling onto it then back off repeatedly as he giggled in entertainment.

Jay's smile only grew as he felt Erin's warm hand rest over his, and he turned his palm as she interlaced their fingers. He tilted his head towards her, expecting to meet her eyes, but instead found her just as entranced with the small boy as he had been moments ago. Her eyes sparkled as she watched him clap his hands together excitedly at his own private joke.

Jay kept his eyes locked on her face as a small, timid smile fell against her lips. The two stayed like that—silently watching as the small toddler shuffled around the waiting room. And when her name was called, it took the pair a minute to notice. A minute before the nurse called out her name once again and Erin stood quickly, Jay following pursuit closely behind.

As they were led into a small room, Jay's heartrate began to pick up as he observed the pamphlets, posters, and equipment that seemed to fill up every inch of the room. And his nervous energy only seemed to grow as Erin moved to sit at the exam table while he moved by her side.

A light smile fell against his lips as he watched Erin mindlessly graze her fingers across her stomach. And he found himself relaxing as he followed the patterns she traced into the fabric of her t-shirt before a light tapping sounded at the door. As a middle aged doctor stepped inside and beamed over to them, "Miss Lindsay, so nice to finally meet you."

Erin lifted her gaze from her abdomen as she gave a small nod. "Dr. Kelly."

"And you must be Jay," Dr. Kelly extended her hand out towards him as she continued, "Will and Nat have told me so much about the two of you. So sorry I missed your last appointment."

Erin waved off her apology as she sat further back on the table and positioned herself for the ultrasound. The doctor's questions flowed quickly as she went down a list of normal hormonal changes and pregnancy symptoms and Erin answered with a similar speed as her eyes found Jay's. As she watched him look between her and the the equipment and then finally on the clear gel as Dr. Kelly spread it lightly across the small swell of Erin's abdomen.

"Alright, there we are," she pointed towards the screen as the black and grey image stirred within it. "Everything seems to be completely healthy. Normal weight gain and movement. Were you interested in learning the sex today?"

Erin and Jay's heads both snapped from the screen at her words. Shock evident on both of their faces as her words registered. "The wha—what?" Erin managed to choke out, her voice filled with a low-level of panic.

The doctor eyed both Erin and Jay before continuing cautiously, "I'm assuming that Nancy mentioned at your last visit you would be able to find out today? You're at about nineteen weeks and the baby seems to be in optimal viewing position." When neither responded, she pushed forward, "Were you interested in learning the gender?"

Erin inhaled a deep, nervous breath as her eyes drifted towards the chair to her right. She watched the corners of Jay's mouth lift into a small grin before he reached between them and grabbed her hand resting above her belly. Interlacing their fingers, he gave her a small nod. A motion indicating exactly what he wanted, but still letting her be the one to make the final decision.

Erin smiled back to him, allowing their eyes to meet for a brief moment before turning her attention towards Dr. Kelly. "Yeah. Yes—I think we'd like to know the gender," she felt Jay's grip tighten on her hand as she focused on the image on the screen.

Dr. Kelly nodded in acknowledgement before she began moving the transducer around Erin's stomach. She paused briefly to point of particular body parts as the small image on the screen moved slightly in and out of focus. Jay's eyes stayed glued to the image. Entranced by each of the movements as the grin on his face became wider and wider.

"Congratulations, looks like you two will be the parents of a baby girl in May."

Erin mouth fell open in shock as the words processed through her mind. As the sound of Jay's soft chuckling sounded beside her and her head lulled to the side. Eyes searching for his. Finding comfort the second his gaze landed on hers and the breath she was unaware she had been holding in finally left her lips. Watching the large, toothy grin spread across his face, Erin couldn't help but to smile back as she watched Jay turn back towards the monitor. His eyes brightening as the soft thudding of a heartbeat invaded their ears.

Erin waited for Dr. Kelly to clear the gel from her stomach before she sat up and began readjusting her clothing. "I'd like to get you on regular monthly appointments so Lucy at the front desk can arrange that for you. Also, I would like for you to continue with prenatal vitamins and begin thinking about any classes you may be interested in taking as first time parents. Any questions?"

Erin and Jay both shook their heads before being motioned out of the office. After a stop at the receptionist desk, the pair found themselves walking back towards the elevators and out towards the parking lot of Chicago Med. As the wind picked up around them, Erin subconsciously leaned closer towards Jay, needing the heat he always seemed to radiate off him—despite the cold Chicago winters. And a soft smile formed on her lips as she felt his arm drape across her shoulders and pull her closer towards him as they walked towards the car.

The ride home was filled with comfortable silence as Jay rested his head on the soft leather backing of the passenger's seat. His eyes watching the busy-moving traffic as he kept his mind focused on Erin's doctor's appointment. Kept his thoughts away from those of his own session with Dr. Charles earlier in the morning. Away from the memories and the guilt that had become constantly associated with the hour long appointments. He wasn't lying when he had said that they were helping, and he knew they were necessary, but it didn't make it any easier. Didn't make them any easier.

The dinging of the car door snapped him out of his thoughts as Erin excited the car. As he followed in quick strides to the apartment, just enough steps behind to catch her fallen coat from its spot beside the hook and re-position her shoes at the mat by the front door. He couldn't help but to laugh as he tidied the path Erin seemed to constantly leave behind her. But as he refocused on the apartment, his face quickly fell as he watched Erin disappear behind the bedroom door.

He knew it shouldn't matter. Knew she was probably in a rush to head to the precinct after taking the morning off. But he couldn't help the slight disappointment he felt. And after a moments pause, he found himself moving towards the bedroom door. Lighting rapping against it before swinging it open to find Erin cross-legged on the middle of the bed.

"You headin' to the district?"

Erin shook her head as she tried to stifle a yawn behind her hand. "Hank gave me the day. Thinks a doctor's appointment is going to wear me out or have me unfocused on the job."

A soft chuckle left Jay's lips as he watched Erin roll her eyes at Voight's already overprotective behavior. And he watched in nervous hesitation as she once again yawned before she gave up all pretenses of a productive afternoon and let her body relax into the bed. Snuggling her face into the pillow as her body curled slightly before he took a few cautious steps forward. Towards the bed and sat down beside her.

He wasn't sure how she was going to respond. Wasn't sure quite how to 'fix this' like he had very determinedly proclaimed to his brother a couple of weeks ago. But he knew that he needed to. And the fact that she wasn't immediately kicking him off of their bed was a good sign. Wasn't immediately reminding him that they had pretty much avoided anything too personal besides a soft touch, or a kiss outside of the Purple Pig. Telling him that the guest bed was up for grabs or the couch was free as well.

Of course, she had never officially made him sleep in either of those places. If anything, much like everything else about the last few months, that was on him. After the week he spent practically locked up in their bedroom when Erin and Will dragged him home, he found himself automatically making his way towards the guest bedroom every evening. Forcing separation between the two of them. Keeping her far enough away that he was sure she wouldn't get suck in the crossfire of whatever messed up shit was going on in his mind.

But as he felt Erin's fingers curl against the back of his hand, he shifted his attention towards her. Watched as her drowsy eyes peeked up at him and a smile spread across her face before she tugged gently on his hand. Guiding him to lay down next to her, so they were facing one another.

For a moment they just lay there, both silently watching the other. Soft gazes roaming over the heavy lines on the other's face. Assessing the past and hoping for whatever the future would allow for them before Jay's gentle voice filled the small space between their bodies. "Thank you for letting me come with today."

Erin's eyes opened a little wider— the drowsiness vanishing instantly. "You don't have to thank me. You should have been at the first one too. I shouldn't have done that to you, I just don't…I didn't—"

"Hey—" he cut her off, bringing a hand up to rest at the small swell of her stomach as his fingers danced softly against the cool fabric of her shirt. "It's all good. What happened wasn't on you. I wasn't...I didn't make any of it easy on you."

A large frown fell against her lips as she listened to him once again put all the blame on himself. She needed him to know that she was there. Supporting him. Helping him. Doing whatever necessary to feel how he needed to.

It was impossible to be the same as how he was before Mouse had died. Erin knew that. It wasn't something that would take time or that he could work to getting back to. He needed to find a new version of himself. Like she had after her dad had left as a kid. After Bunny had turned to drugs each time. After each new husband seemed to come and go. After Voight took her in. After Camille had died. And then Nadia.

After she knew Jay had done with his dad. After Afghanistan. After coming home and finding out his mom was worse than anyone had led him into believing. After she had passed away. After Ben Corson. And now Mouse.

There was no going back to being the person he was a few months ago. Not even if he wanted to. She wasn't naive enough into thinking things were going to be the exact same. _But why should they be? Why would she want them to be?_

There still was a lot to figure out. Hell, Jay's reaction from his session earlier proved to Erin there was still a lot more going on with him than she was fully aware of. But she would be there. Like he always had been for her. Always would be. She would be whatever he needed her to be as he figured out where to go next. How to fully move past this—to carry Mouse with him instead of carrying the weight _of_ him.

"Hey," Jay's soft voice broke her out of her thoughts as her gaze met his concerned eyes. He watched her for a moment—seeming to asses her before he slowly nodded and pulled her closer to him, resting his chin on top of her head. "Let's get some sleep, yeah?"

Erin nodded against his chest as she felt him move to brush his lips lightly against her forehead. As she inhaled his familiar scent and her body relaxed further against his. She lifted her head, chin digging slightly into his chest as her eyes met his. Leaning forward, her lips met his as she sighed contently against his lips before pulling back and snuggling back into his embrace. She let her mind wander once again with sleep-filled thoughts before the gentle hums and even breathing of her partner lulled her to sleep.

* * *

 **The first part of this one was harder to write than I anticipated. I figured out what happened with Mouse right after I wrote the first chapter, but it's a lot harder to write then just picturing it! I like to be really detailed, which is why I liked giving away clues at a time. But now I'm not sure how much you all want? Let me know how much more of that part you would like to know as far as details into Mouse's death.**

 **Anyways, I still have a few ups and downs planned in the next few chapters! Please review and let me know what ya'll thought! :)**


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